Justification For Homicide…Programmng A Remote

Cable company technician visiting my house

I’m usually a very patient person. For the most part anyhow.  I tend to bide my time waiting in lines, carrying on conversations with strangers, handing out my blog site cards just to drum up business, discussing the weather, ogling women when the hot weather arrives and cleavage abounds, or just daydreaming about hitting the lottery as I wait my turn.

My breaking point, when I tend to lose it all, is programming a damn remote for a TV or any other device that comes with 25 pages of just how to “simply” program a remote in English and several other languages, some of which might make more sense than the ones printed in English.

So, the other day I was notified that my Gestapo cable company would be disrupting my normal everyday slug life by eliminating television programs I currently receive UNLESS I contacted them and picked up their new cable boxes.

This alone irritated the hell outta me not only because I have five television sets that would need new boxes, but because I also have a number of different devices connected to each television, which includes a DVD player, VCR and automatic coffee maker. Hey, I figure that if I’m going to spend all that time in front of the TV I might as well have coffee readily available too. Yeah, I know, VCR’s are outdated, but I simply refuse to part with it. It’s a sentimental thing.

So anyhow, being somewhat of a plug this in and connect this and that type guy I really saw no problem in connecting all of the gazillion wires into the various slots and inputs on each and every device. Simple….connect A to B, C to D and X to Y. No problem.

But, then ya have to figure out the damn codes for your new cable company provided freakin’ super duper so many buttons I can’t tell what the hell they’re all for mother of remotes. Except one that will activate my coffee maker.

So, whaddya do?  You call for help.  No problem.

This of course was my last resort, as a man who also doesn’t like to ask for directions, as all guys are programmed not to do. You see, I followed the English directions on the enclosed directions which state that you must push this button then that button then enter the following 250 codes to see which one conforms to your TV……………..Fine.

So two TVs work after entering the codes but one doesn’t. The the TV works but the DVD and VCR doesn’t. Which leaves three more TV sets to program, which was unsuccessful.

I think it was at this point, (2 hours later) fangs began to emerge and a lusting for blood became apparent.  I felt it was time to call the cable company.

“Hello, is this Comcast?”

“”Press 1 for English….2 for Spanish…..3 for Svengali……or if none of your languages are listed, 4 for a translator. Activation….press 5.”

“So, I pressed 5 and the following live person says to me……”

“Ahloooo, dis is Simelista how may I heeelp you vit your call sir.”

“Well, I can’t seem to get all of my television sets, the DVD player and the VCR to work properly.”

“You haff a VCR…(snicker) and you vant usss to heeelp you vit (undistinguishable) connecting this to you teelevision set?”

“Um, yes, can you direct me, and, could you try and slow down a bit I’m having trouble understanding you.”

“No problem sire….now take the frammus and connect it to the freglkel while you hold down der button which says “select” until it lights up and flashes 300 times and then push der cable button till you see a light der blinkin then quickly enter the 25 digit code from the list of several hundred, one of which may be your code, if your lucky, and then power der television set off and then quickly back on and then hit the power button three times allowing three seconds between various codes which you may have to enter if the first code does not work. Call ussss back ifin you hava problem…….”click.”

By this time smoke was visible emanating from my ears by my other half, who at this point was holding a loaded gun pointed in my direction should I completely lose it all and become homicidal.  Strictly for her own protection.

Needless to say, but I’ll say it anyhow, all efforts to communicate with this cable representative proved fruitless. Not only due to the fact that neither one of us could understand the other, (language barrier, which is a ploy cable companies use to discourage you from doing this yourself so that they can send a technician out and charge you a $60 service call) but also due to the fact that my eyeballs were at this point bleeding and I could not carry on a complete intelligent conversation without crying.

So, I opted for the service tech. Who will come to my house within a week or so, give or take a few months, and set everything up for dummies like me.

Keep in mind this all has to do with programming remote codes that your TV set is supposed to recognize….which mine didn’t.  And of course then having to program in more different codes to your DVD and, (sigh) VCR.

I suspect this is all part of a giant conspiracy by the movie industry to simply get everyone to give up programing their remotes and just go out to a movie. No programming involved. Or, a sinister plot between the government and cable companies to make anyone over the age of 60 lose their minds attempting to program remotes, thereby reasons to have them euthanized at which point the government saves a lot of bucks on Social Security payments and solves the deficit problem.

As soon as I recover from my gunshot wound inflicted on me by my other half when I finally totally lost it, I’ll be able to return home knowing that by then the technician has solved all of my problems.

Until I buy a new HDTV with 3D and surround sound……whichever comes first…..that or death.  Death being the more peaceful option.

Copyright 20112 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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