Those of you old enough to remember the late Red Skelton will remember one of his characters, “Freddie the Freeloader” (pictured)
Freddie, of course, was fictional, but little did Red know that he actually existed in the form of big corporations, which, I guess, would then be called, “Corporate Freeloaders,” each with their own individual CEO, who could very well pass off for the original Freddie the Freeloader…..at our expense. Kept in the dark mushroom slugs that we all are.
Vermont Senator Bernie Saunders, (I) has put out a guide to corporate freeloaders that should send a cactus up your butt, unless of course, you enjoy getting screwed, in which case, saddle up podner and head for the range……your cactus awaits you. Um……mind bending over?
Here’s your freeloader list….or., as Dirty Harry would say……”go ahead punk….make my day.”
Exxon Mobil: Profits 2009 $19 Billion. Received $156 million rebate from the IRS plus, it didn’t pay any federal taxes. BUT WAIT!
Bank of America: Made $4.4 billion in profits last year after it received a $1 trillion bailout from the Federal Reserve and the Treasury Department, AND a $1.9 billion tax refund from the IRS. Yippie-kai-yi-yea! BUT WAIT!
General Electric: Made $26 billion in profits and received a $4.2 billion tax refund from, (you guessed it) the IRS. BUT WAIT!
Chevron: Yep…IRS refund last year totaled $19 million after making a $10 billion profit in 2009. Anybody wanna stick a chevron up Chevron’s butt? BUT WAIT!
Boeing: After getting a $30 billion dollar contract from the Pentagon it got a $124 billion dollar refund from guess who……OMG…..the IRS.
I gotta start building something the government needs so I can get a damn refund.
Valero Energy: $68 Billion in sales and a $167 million dollar tax refund. BUT WAIT!
Goldman Sachs: paid 1.1% of its 2008 income in taxes….made a profit of $2.3 billion, and…..(sniff) only received a paltry $800 billion from the Federal Reserve and the Treasury Department. Ah feel their pain. BUT WAIT!
Citigroup: Profits last year, $4 billion. Taxes, zero. But, the poor SOB’s needed help because, as you can see, it wasn’t that good of a year, so the U.S. Treasury and the Federal Reserve, feeling deep compassion for Citigroup, gave them a $2.5 trillion dollar bailout.
Geez….and all I wanted from the Feds was a break on my gasoline taxes so I can afford to drive to Wal-Mart. Wonder if they’ll bail me out too?
ConocoPhillips: Made $16 billion in 2009 but awarded $451 million in tax breaks due to oil and gas manufacturing deductions. BUT…..BUT…um…..oh yeah….WAIT!
Carnival Cruise Lines: Now how can ya dislike these guys? The other greedy SOB’s I can see, but Carnival Cruises, what the hell could they have possibly done to give us the bigo shaft. Hmmmmm………………..OMG! They had a great year in the cruise business over the last five years making more than $11 billion. But, they did not get a bailout…nope. They were one of the good guys…um…..hold on a sec…….oh, sorry, they did get sort of a break because they only made $11 billion, which isn’t very much. They had to pay 1.1% federal taxes.
Hey….they’re almost one of us!
So you see fellow mushroom slugs of the earth, life isn’t really so bad after all here in our normal everyday lives. And some of you were bitching about having to pay taxes and meeting the deadline….shame on all of you. Perhaps this will teach all of you an important lesson.
The problem here is that I haven’t quite figured out what that important lesson might be other than Red Skelton was right, freeloading pays off, and we should all attempt to emulate large corporations by starting to freeload as much as possible in the hope of getting a huge tax break on next years taxes. That’s the good news.
The bad news……….I haven’t quite figured out how to freeload off of myself and get huge tax breaks, like those big corporations do. I think I’m screwed.
But the really good news…..I did file my corporate taxes. (I call my blogging room my corporate headquarters) I paid absolutely no taxes, (which qualifies me to be on the above list of freeloaders) and got my huge refund……..
A check for $2.00 from the IRS.
Take THAT you freakin’ corporate freeloaders…..two can play that game.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV