To “Urn” or Not To “Urn”…That Is the Question….and we’re not talkin’ about work.

I was going to consider this "Red Sox" urn if I could convince the entire team to join me considering the way this years starting season is going.

It’s one thing to earn a living. It’s another thing to “urn” when you’re dead.  Kinda like a play on words there.

37-year-old artist Raven Collins from Thonotosassa, Florida has a lucrative business taking cremated remains and making paintings out of them.

Um…..excuse me a second………where the hell is Thonotosassa, Florida…….(checking map)

OMG!!! You can’t get there from ANYWHERE!  Honest…..population 6,091, declining rapidly due to the amount of cremations…I think. It’s located in Hillsborough County next to a bigggg lake……yep…..Thonotosassa Lake. I give up.

Anyhow, Raven take the cremated remains of the deceased and, I guess with the blessing of those relatives still living, makes drawings out of them.  Which, I assume, would then be given back to the relatives to be hung on a wall or something.

Soooo, when someone comes into their house and says, “Hey….where’s uncle Charlie?”  The reply could be, “Oh he’s just hanging around here somewhere.”

Taking the remains of the dearly departed and making things out of them is nothing new.  Artists and surviving relatives have been doing this for some time with many new innovative ideas on just how to display cremated remains in remembrance of those who are finally at rest…….if you can call hanging on a wall being at rest.

Other forms of using cremated ashes involve making lead pencils.

“Martha, you won’t believe this letter we’re writing to you.  I say “we’re” because even though my departed husband Melvin is no longer with us, I had him made into a number two lead pencil, so, in reality, we’re both writing this letter to you. Oh, by the way, I also had the rest of him made into postage stamps. You just know how he loved to travel.”

Florida,  counting Thonotosassa, leads the United States in the number of cremations.  Either there are a lot of retired arsonists living down there or they’re trying to make it into the Guinness Book of world records.

In either case, it must be a booming business for anyone in the cremation business. Wonder if they run ads on TV?

“Folks, dying shouldn’t be the ultimate end for you or your loved one. Why just lie around in some cold dark six-foot hole just rotting away.  We here at “Life-After-Death Crematorium” have the solution you’ve been looking for. Our ashes packages include the following options:

“The Marijuana Package.”  We’ll roll your ashes to make an entire pack of cigarettes, (carton for obese individuals) thereby allowing your loved ones and friends to enjoy a good smoke in remembrance of you.

“The Gunpowder Package.”  If you always wanted to serve in the military but were rejected, we’ll send your ashes to the Colt Firearms Company which will then mix you with authentic gunpowder, send you to some war front, where you will then be loaded into a lethal weapon and be able to fight for the cause.  Whatever cause your family decides is a worthwhile cause. Note: (we cannot be held responsible for any friendly fire mishaps in which you may become involved in after death)

“The Revenge Is Sweet Pendant Package.” We’ll mount you in a beautifully designed pendant which can be worn by your surviving loved one which can be designed to slowly tighten up and strangle your loved one so that you have the final last laugh. This is our most popular model.

I’m not sure if these options actually exist down there in Florida, but, with the number of cremations that take place there it sure sounds like a good solid business opportunity to me. The uses for cremated ashes are endless.

I of course have made plans to be cremated as well.  I decided on this option because I think way too much money is spent on burying the dead, which should be used for the living.  I don’t need no stinkin’ casket, headstone, inscriptions, or a six-foot deep hole.  I’d just be wasting money and space. Besides, I don’t have enough friends to warrant even having a memorial service or wake.

Nope……I’m going to be cremated on my backyard “mother-of-all-grills” by my other half, scooped up into a small mahogany box, (I’m not obese) sealed with Elmers or Super glue, carted back into the house, and placed next to the remains of any of our cats on our entertainment center who may have bought the farm before me.

It’s the least I can do after scooping up all their damn poop in our giant litter box all those years. They’ve urned it and so have I.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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