Why Is The Govt. Spending $263 Billion To Identify Animals?

Vell, dis iss a dawg, on my sholder iss a monkey, behind me vhat appears to be a bear, and poopin in my hand an unidentifiable sea creature.

Yep….and I’ll spell it all out for you in case you’re numbers deficient….”two hundred and sixty-three billion dollars” to identify animals.

Now in my lifetime, on various dating episodes with the opposite sex, I “have” been at times, called an animal, on some occasions by my two ex wives as well, but…..I believe I was easily identifiable.  So why does the government need all that money to identify what an animal is if I was so easily identified?

Hey, and animal is an animal…four legs, two legs, no legs and crawling. Whatever!

I see a duck walking alongside the road…I say to myself…”hey…that’s a damn duck!  I spot a moose or deer, I don’t scratch my damn head and say, “Geez, what the hell is that!”  Dead squirrel in the middle of the road……no problem…..I automatically know it’s a dead squirrel…unless of course it’s been flattened a number of times, at which point I might not be able to distinguish its identity, but, I don’t think I’d need $263 billion dollars to eventually determine that it might have been a skunk or a squirrel.  Besides, why would I care anyhow? It’s dead!  Doesn’t affect me.  Won’t ruin my day or anything.

But the government apparently feels differently. I’m assuming they have to know the species of every single animal roaming the earth and they’re willing to fork out taxpayer money to identify each and every one of them at the cost of $263 billion dollars.

Had I known that animals were worth that much to identify I’d have scooped up all of those road kills out in front of my house, shipped them off to the government animal species identification lab (ASIL I assume) and asked for part of that $263 billion just for doing my part to help those guys out in identifying animals.

According to the government’s statistics, 5.4 million of an estimated 6.8 million species have yet to be cataloged. OMG!  I see a fortune to be made here.  I could be out there right now with my snow shovel scraping up dead animals and doing my patriotic duty.  Damn, I’ve got a pickup truck with a big bed that can hold hundreds of dead unidentifiable animals.

Hmmmmm……is collecting dead animals and making a few million bucks off of it considered taxable income?   Stinks to me if it is.

Here I was all of this time really deeply concerned about the deficit that many cities and towns, including the government have been concerned about, and never once knew why they were so concerned.  Because they’re running out of money to identify animals….all 6.8 million of them.

Folks….they desperately need our help.  $263 billion dollars doesn’t go very far in helping to identify all those animals. The price of gas alone to go out there in the woods and meet these animals, take them to lunch, question them as to their heritage and family backgrounds isn’t cheap ya know. Not to mention the cost of hiring animal translators like Dr. Doolittle.

Hey, I personally am willing to give up part of my Social Security and Medicare benefits for the cause.  Animal identification is far more important than my basic needs.  We’ve all got to bite the bullet and help the government raise another $263 billion dollars. It’s absolutely imperative we contribute right now.

Just think of the consequences if we don’t.

We’ll never know what those 6.8 million animals are if the government doesn’t identify them.

Then, someday you’ll be driving down the road, see one lying dead in the median strip of a highway, and never know what it was.  How sad.

But, if you knew, and stopped to look at the dead animal, recognized it due to the government’s efforts, (possibly with a handy-dandy dead animal identification chart) you could then notify the animal’s next of kin, thereby offering some consolation to a grieving animal family who never might have known what happened to their loved one.

It’s a well spent $263 billion dollars as far as I’m concerned.

So stop whining about the damn deficit.

(Scuse me while I go whack myself in the head with a freakin’ hammer)

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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3 Responses to Why Is The Govt. Spending $263 Billion To Identify Animals?

  1. Doc says:

    Oh boy! you really opened up a can of worms with this one…(or are they really worms, or just lice, or crabs? Dunno, sure could use some of that money).

    Anyway, speaking of animals (yes, you too, Dick, so listen up), Senator Tom Coburn (www.coburn.senate.gov) put out his annual list of government waste this past December, 2010, and I didn’t realize that 5 states are spending close to $1 million to design and post “poems” in zoos (this will mollify the animals in case they get riled up; next year, the intent is to purchase some guitars so that the animals can play as if in some underground jazz shop).

    Other nonsense (some also for animals) includes:

    – $175 million for upkeep for unused monkey house and other buildings (Veteran Affairs–for eventual transfer of deranged veterans, I guess);

    – $150,000 for a salamander crossing (Monkton, Vermont) (I guess the state or locality couldn’t afford it);

    – $1.5 million to spruce up apartments before they are torn down (Shreveport, Louisiana – so that they will be destroyed gracefully, by “civil” engineers: “Excuse me, Joseph, could you kindly place your coffee cup on its saucer, and ever-so-gingerly pass me the dynamite? By the way, don’t you think these apartments look absolutely gorgeous?”);

    – $1.8 million for a neon sign museum (Las Vegas – now THAT is a bright idea);

    – $930 million for federal agencies printing costs (now that we are in an era of reduced printing costs with computers – biggest culprit? Dept. of Defense)

    – $2.2 million could be saved by federal agencies by turning off the lights and operating more efficiently (biggest culprit? that’s right, you guessed it–the Dept. of Energy, then the Post Office; saving this amount of energy could light about 3,000 homes annually, or create approx. 50 jobs);

    – $60 Billion (BILLION) could be saved by Medicare/Medicaid by not spending money on, for example, fake medical tests for criminal drug gangs ($35 million, mainly in CalifooornYa, some $$ spent on fake Viagra –I know, I got some that didn’t work); fraudulent wheelchair and supply requests ($1.7 BILLION just in Florida), etc.;

    – $60,000 to develop a book on the history of printing (Govt. Printing Office) (using a mouse as a superhero – cost to print? about $10 per book…selling cost? $5–you do the math, it’s a best seller, but also a “loss leader” according to the GPO);

    – $465,000 AIDS Junket to Austria (where former Pres. Bill Clinton spoke about how AIDS funding is being frittered away on wasteful conferences and trips – while he and others visited castles and wine tastings– HUH?);

    – $250,000 for internet dating study (National Science Foundation) (I use the internet just for flirting);

    – $47 million for streetcars (Atlanta) to cover the same identical route that a subway traverses (now operating in the red)–and that a person could also walk! It’s supposed to induce jobs where there are none, but does nothing to alleviate traffic to/from, or around, the city;

    – $442,000 spent by Puerto Rico (not a state) to study HIV epidemic in Vietnam (not our country);

    – $600,000 to develop an on-line interactive “wolf conservation game” (National Science Foundation) to get youngsters outside into the real world (except that over 200,000 “kids” are staying “inside” to play it);

    – $150,000 (Hillsboro, NH) to repair a bridge that no one ever uses–because it doesn’t connect to anywhere, not even to adjoining streets;

    – $5 million for a three-week Christmas party in Atlanta (FAA) (my plane almost crashed trying to get me there so I could crash the party);

    and many more similar boondoggles…

    Riled-uppedly

    Doc

  2. Steve says:

    I enjoyed looking at your site. Thank you for posting it.

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