Last week another blogger wrote about her cat. She suspected that it actually might be a terrorist and listed the various reasons why. I compared notes from her blog and have determined that she’s absolutely correct. Her cat is a terrorist.
That said, it gave me an idea for a new reality show. After all, we all know reality shows are the rage right now, so what better way to become famous and at the same time make a gazillion bucks than to have one’s own reality show.
I’d call it, “Cats In Connecticut” or, “Pussy’s Galore” after the 1964 movie “Goldfinger” in which Honor Blackman played “Pussy Galore,” and considering that I have five cats, and “galore” means, “a plentiful supply of something,” which in my case is cats, I thought it quite appropriate. I’ll leave the final title up to the shows directors.
Camera zooms in on Misfit and other half sleeping while three terrorist cats roam the bedroom in an attempt to make enough noise to awaken us. One is assigned to rattle the plastic blind slats. The second cat strategically places itself in front of the digital ceiling clock so that we will not be able to determine the exact time. Cat three rattles the sliding closet door thereby making a noise that sounds like thunder. Morning wake up time has arrived.
As both of us stumble out to the kitchen area to prepare the terrorist cats breakfast consisting of putrid smelling God knows what’s inside those cans cat food, meowing commences and jockeying for bowl positions takes place. It is at this point no other human activities can take place. Several episodes of spilling coffee and sugar on the floor while attempting to feed cats has all but ruled that function out.
Cameras focus in on our morning ritual of reading the morning paper as one or two cats walk across the table in search of human morsels. From the distance the sound of hacking and barfing can be detected, at which point the director signals to the audio person to delete the “F” and “MF” words from the soundtrack before airing the show.
Late morning and time to clean the cat litter box, which I always look forward to with great anticipation after having my morning breakfast. It still amazes me to this day how cat poop gathered each morning outweighs the total weight of all five cats when one attempts to scoop it up. Camera zooms in on my hacking as I attempt to scoop the cat box while two cats stand in line in anticipation of new litter to play in.
It is mid afternoon and cat nap time. Both for the cats, myself and my other half. Two sofas, one recliner, one chair and five cat beds are simply not enough as the camera pans the room showing one cat on top of me as I attempt to lie back on the sofa. Second cat is acting as a scarf around my other half’s neck while the third 19 pound cat is at her feet. Cats four and five commandeer a sofa and a recliner while all “made for cats” beds remain empty.
Supper time is a repeat of breakfast with at least six out of the ten pairs of feline eye balls staring in anticipation of yet another human morsel. My glasses fog up from the closeness of the proximity of the cats in relation to my food and eating utensil. A cat hair or two mingled in with each meal is not an uncommon occurrence. One learns how to detect those quite methodically after a while as much as the cats try to disguise them. This “cat hair” ploy is used to discourage you from eating your dinner thereby securing more morsels for them.
By far the most exciting part of this reality show is from 7PM to 11Pm when all cats on the face of the universe get into “cat games.” This consists of knocking things over, which always is out of your line of sight or in another room, and always sounds like something catastrophic is happening. Barfing in dark corners of the house which is similar to placing hidden mines in a battlefield. Playing in water bowls which I personally think is some sort of cat religious ritual, blessing of the feet or something. Placing their cold wet noses on your butt as you sit on the toilet because cats get a huge rush from doing that. And finally, loud meowing and screeching that sounds like Hannibal Lector is dissecting a body. I swear most of the TV shows that we watch on a nightly basis have meowing in them.
Scene 8, final cut:
Bedtime. A large panoramic type camera is used in this final scene as we attempt to call it a night, slither into bed, (queen size) while three, sometimes four, of the five cats also attempt to slither into bed and, after kneading for 45 minutes, select their final comfortable spot on the bed. For the next 8 hours we are frozen in position. Quiet…….more quiet….sleep begins to take hold……ahhhhhh.
Off in the far away distance….the faint sound of hacking and barfing. Another typical night at the MisfitWisdom household.
Camera crew packs it in, gathers their equipment, and tip toes out into the night……….
walking verrrrry slowly in the dark so as to avoid any cat barf mine field .
(P.S. This blog was written with the assistance of one of the five cats sitting on top of my computer…..achoooo!….did I mention I have allergies too)
And finally, my favorite cat quote which I’ve said before: “Why is it that cats are only one foot tall but their butts are always in your face?”
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV