Summer Vacations: DO NOT Visit These Places.

OK...Get rid of that damn dog, wash your car, quit swearing, get naked and we got a deal. Oh Yeah...drop me off in "NORTH" Carolina when we're done

I never realized how much trouble I could get into visiting various vacation destinations until I came across a list of state laws that could get my butt thrown in the slammer.  I may have already broken a few of these stupid ordinances in various states, so I’m kinda lying low this summer…jussssst in case they’re looking for me.

In Fort Thomas, Kentucky it’s illegal for your pet to molest a vehicle. I’m not quite sure what the hell they’re talking about, considering I’ve never owned or even seen any pet molest a vehicle.  Unless you count those dogs that chase car tires. The penalty for this is up to $500, but, as we all know, how the hell are you going to get any animal to pay that fine. Actually my vehicle HAS been molested by a stray dog on occasion when they saunter up to my truck tires, lift their leg and pee.  But I never brought charges because it made it a lot easier to find my truck after a dog marked it. I just looked out into the parking lot for a bunch of other dogs hanging around a truck.

In Rockville, Maryland you can be fined up to $100 dollars or 90 days in jail if you swear within earshot of other people whether you’re on a street, sidewalk or highway.  There’s nothing in the regulations however that states that you could be fined if you mimed swearing or used the ol bird to convey your displeasure. Might wanna brush up on your lip syncing before visiting Rockville.

Minnetonka, Minnesota will fine you a whopping $2,000 if your car has dirty tires with mud, dirt, sticky substances, litter or any other material. I assume this would include any dog crap or road kill stuck to your vehicles tires.  It’s not to specific as to whether this would count if you’re in a high-speed car chase being pursued by the police, hit a few pedestrians and their residue is all over your car. Might wanna check on that one if your planning a bank heist or something. I only mention this due to the fact that if you only scored a few thousand bucks in a bank heist, paying that fine might cut into your final take.

Sag Harbor, New York has an ordinance that states if you’re at a beach it’s illegal to take your clothes off in your car.  Geez….doesn’t everybody do this? My solution to this problem, as well as avoiding the $100 fine, is to simply drive to the beach nude thereby avoiding any run in with the law. How simple is that!

In Hilton Head, South Carolina it’s illegal to store trash in your car.  Wonder if this means you can no longer pick up a hooker there and drive her to a motel? Hmmm.  Well, technically you wouldn’t be storing her in your car, just simply transporting her. BUT……..the law also states that “it’s unlawful to place, leave, dump or permit to accumulate any garbage, rubbish or “trash” in a building, vehicle and their surrounding areas in the town so that the same shall or may afford food or harborage for rats.”

Hmmmm.  I think it still may be safe to avoid this penalty of $500 if you simply transport the trashy hooker to a motel, do not “dump” her in any building, or in any rubbish or trash container, or leave her in your vehicle when your finished doing what ever it is you did with her. Remember the golden rule……never dump trash in any old place in Hilton Head, South Carolina.

So those are the places you should avoid visiting this summer. Unless you like a good challenge and insist on driving a dirty car while your dog chases and molests your vehicle as you drive naked swearing at the hooker you picked up for the prices she’s quoted you for her services.

That way, if you’re gonna get caught breaking the law, might as well pay all those fines at the same time and avoid spending a lot of time in various court rooms. After all, it’ll only cost you a total of $3,000 for all of those infractions combined.


You could just stay home this summer with your molesting dog, grungy car, while swearing at your local hooker as you sit there naked.

Works for me.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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4 Responses to Summer Vacations: DO NOT Visit These Places.

  1. Doc says:

    You’re right to not venture out, even in Connecticut…

    Town records may not be kept where liquor is sold (only where liquor can be drunk–missed opportunity here, people might get more involved in local meetings, can you imagine meetings that go on and on after midnight?? haha).

    You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour (keep it under 64, especially around turns, and God bless you if you can go that fast)

    In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. (bounce on what–a table? get that trampoline ready, restaurant owner, otherwise, no fake pickle in my sandwich)

    It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. (so where do you dispose of them?)

    You cannot buy any alcohol after 9pm, or on Sundays after noon on Sunday. (read that last part real slow)

    It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. (only “into” it, and only from a private road or driveway)

    Devon – It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.

    Guilford – Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.

    – You aren’t allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
    – You may not educate dogs. (no wonder they piss all over the place)
    – It is illegal for a man to kiss his wife on Sunday. (the kissing police will be around monitoring this at about 12:01 a.m.)

    New Britain – It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire. (thus, there are no more buildings in New Britain, and mostly sand lots without trees and grass)

    Rocky Hill – An arcade may not have more than a total of four amusement devices such as ping-pong tables, pinball machines, or shuffleboard tables. (just have to wait in line to play like the rest of us seniors)

    Southington – Silly string is banned. (only boring string–or “thilly thring”–is allowed)

    Waterbury – It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer. (whoops! there goes that blush brush! now, if they would only do that for barbers who never shut up–every time I go to the barber, I notice my bald spot is increasing, and I think he’s not paying attention and taking more and more off)

    So, go ahead and venture out…I have a new batch of business cards just made up…


  2. SVG says:

    Hey, did you just call your girlfriend a “local hooker?” Did she laugh when she saw you sitting there naked? I need to know, because I, too, want to stay home with my five dogs molesting each other, and i don’t want my girlfriend laughing at me (I’m so fragile).

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