Warning Labels For The Paranoid

Forbes.com just released a list of the most stupid warning labels of all time.  Thank God.

For years I’ve been terrified of removing those “do not remove” labels from any mattresses and pillows that I’ve owned.

It states quite plainly that if you dare to remove those labels you could be punished under the full extent of the law. I think I may have removed one of them back a few years ago, but so far, I haven’t seen my picture on a wanted poster in the post office or on “America’s Most Wanted.”

But here are a few warning labels from the Forbes site for those of you who are a bit paranoid. Or just plain stupid.

On a jar of peanuts and M&Ms:  “This product may contain peanuts.”

No s**t Dick Tracy…I never would have guessed that.

On a chainsaw: “Do not hold wrong end of chainsaw.”

Which is why, in my own opinion, Freddie Kruger never cut himself. He obviously read the label before attempting to hack up anyone.

On a hair dryer:  “Do not use while sleeping.”

Thank God for that, I’d never get any damn sleep if my other half used a hair dryer while snorking.  Um….they should have that same warning on vacuum cleaners because I swear she thinks about cleaning while she’s sleeping.

On a blow torch: “contents may catch fire.”

My theory here is to simply buy a blow torch that does not ignite thereby avoiding any possible chance of it catching on fire.

On a car window sun shade:  “do not drive with the sun shade in place.”

Unless of course you are vision impaired, in which case it really doesn’t matter.  Hey….didn’t I just make note of the fact a few weeks ago that drive up ATMs have braille on the keypads! See!!!

On a box of eggs: “this product may contain eggs.”

Geez….what a freakin’ surprise for those shoppers who thought they were buying Peeps.

(by the way, as long as we’re on the egg subject…how the hell do chickens get those eggs into the egg cartons so neatly?)

On a box of sleeping pills: “may cause drowsiness.”

REALLY!!  I just took two of them and…um..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

On a vanishing fabric marker: “do not use to sign checks or any legal documents.”

(I would have added, unless you’re signing alimony papers)

On a washing machine: “do not put any person inside of washing machine.”

This of course can be exempt in the case of anyone attempting to set a new record for the Guinness Book Of World Records” for number of times spent inside of a washing machine on the spin cycle.

And the last one on an Apple iPod shuffle: “do not eat.”

This of course can be attributed to the picture of the Apple logo which many have mistaken for an actual apple. This also occurs with pizza delivery boxes where a picture of a pizza is on the box. Of course, nature’s calling resolves this problem, although passing an iPod is somewhat difficult and very painful.

Other than the mattress and pillow labels I don’t think many of us should be too concerned with those warnings.  I don’t even check them anymore.

It’s expiration dates that worry me now. I always check those. And there just isn’t enough of them on things.

Like marriage certificates for instance.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Warning Labels For The Paranoid

  1. Doc says:

    I agree Dick…some other noteworthy warnings:

    Dremel rotary tool – “not intended to be used as a dental drill” (actually I’ve tried this once, using a mirror, and now I have no cavities – except now I have no teeth to even
    have cavities)

    Baby Oil – “Keep out of reach of babies” (although great with vinegar on baby shrimp salads)

    Sealy mattress – “Do not attempt to swallow” (I tried once, but the air in the mattress made me talk funny)

    Ortho Rain Gauge – “outdoor use only” (except when you have a leaky roof, which then can help you locate the source of the leak)

    Hasbro Superman costume – “wearing this does NOT enable one to fly” (first floor use only)

    Fritos Corn Chips (and similar products) – “You could be a WINNER-no purchase necessary-details inside” (I have always wondered how many open bags were left at the checkout counter, or even left behind in the aisle?)

    Frozen dinners – “Suggestion: defrost before eating” and “May be hot after heating” (delicious anytime in between)

    Chimney Cleaning fire logs – “Caution: highly flammable (?) – may not clean entire chimney – use two” (guess I’ll start at the top)

    “Objects in mirror may appear smaller” (that’s why I never undress in front of one)

    “Always swim with a buddy…” (tried this with my ex-wife, but she kept coming up)


    • misfit120 says:

      Very good Doc….at least you were man enough to admit things (unmentioned) did appear smaller in the mirror. Click here for my daily blog.https://misfit120.wordpress.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s