My Monthly Rant On How Women Drive Men Insane

Wonder if Marg Helgenberger wears earrings to bed?

Look, I hate to keep writing about this stuff, but every so often it occurs to me that the road to insanity begins with having a close association with a woman….any woman.  Could be your girlfriend, spouse, and perhaps even have its beginnings with your very own mother.

“Mom….why can’t I stay out after dark?”

“Because you can’t…that’s why!”

What sparked this outburst today?

A simple, what I thought would be a normal conversation at bedtime.

It went as follows.

“Dear, I just can’t get comfortable tonight, my ear hurts.”

“Huh….snork…..gzufff….yawn……your ear hurts…..what’s wrong with it?”

“I think my earring is pressing into the pillow and it hurts.”

“Huh….why are you wearing earings to bed?”

“What’s wrong with you!  How long have we been together, TEN YEARS!!  And you don’t know that I wear earrings to bed?”

“Um….no……it’s not something that the ordinary male slug would actually notice honey.  I mean, it’s not like I’d say to you, ‘Hey, you’re wearing earrings to bed….how come’?  But that’s beside the point. If they hurt your ears why in the hell would you wear them to bed anyhow?”

“Because I ALWAYS wear them to bed!”

Now you see…..there’s my point.  Awakened out of a perfectly programmed dream where I was about to pounce on Marg Helgenberger, (who had no earrings on….or anything else) I asked, what I assumed was a perfectly logical question, which was….”if your ear hurts, and it’s from wearing earrings to bed why would you wear them in the first place.”

And all I get is, “because I always wear them to bed.”

So then she rolls over, falls asleep, I can’t return to my Marg fantasy because I’m still trying to figure out what the hell that conversation was all about, and my mind is mush.

Now I have concluded that this is the major reason most men die young, or wind up in an assisted living facility and are hostile to all women attendants serving them their morning oatmeal and changing their Depends.

Women just do not think like men.  For instance, an article I just read on sex (Time Magazine) said that “regular intercourse with a committed partner (up to once a day) is a sign of a good relationship.”

If you were to ask a woman to have intercourse with you once a day you know what the answer would be…….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU A DAMN PERVERT!!!!”

Hey, I didn’t write the article, Time Magazine did.  If ya can’t trust Time Magazine to tell it like it is then who can ya trust?”

Obvioulsy most women do not read Time Magazine.

The bottom line here is that regardless of the facts, logic or scientific studies conducted, women’s logic overrides everything else.  You just can’t win.

There’s only one way to combat this.  Sticky notes.

Yep….sticky notes. Tack those suckers up everywhere. If she goes to get a haircut. Tack up a note to remind you to comment on her new haircut.  If she buys a new dress….tack up a note to remind you to comment on how great she looks….even if it’s a damn lie.

“Abe….do I look fat in this dress?”

“Um…er….ugh…um……”

Finally, if all else fails, silence always is the best route to go. Wait for her cue, then pounce.

“Dear, you didn’t notice that I’ve lost a few pounds.”

“Of course I did dear, I was just waiting for the right moment to tell you just how great you looked….but….you know…..I might have said it a lot earlier had I actually seen you naked in the bedroom. You know its been six months since we’ve had sex.”

“SIX MONTHS!!!   Seems like it was only yesterday.  That’s all you every think about….SEX…..SEX…..SEX…..!  There’s more to life than just sex you damn pervert.”

(thinking)

“Yeah….like rolling over, going back to sleep and dreaming about jumping Marg Helgenburger’s bones.”

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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3 Responses to My Monthly Rant On How Women Drive Men Insane

  1. Tom says:

    So tell me, when are visiting hours? And when will the hospital release you? You are a very brave man, not too bright to attack any woman, but, very brave. I applaud you for bringing up such a courageous subject. We are not meant to understand, only to do.

  2. Doc says:

    Amen, brother Amen…that’s why I always go to bed very, very early, and sleep very, very late. In between?–I go to work.

    I think your blog today will produce numerous comments.

    Don’t forget, one response to “her” produces the “always” and the “nevers.” So, HEY, be careful…it’s a jungle out there.

    By the way, what is sex?

  3. J Roycroft says:

    You got some gonads with this one.

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