Blaccch Remedies For Just About Anything

Yes....my diagnosis is that you have a severe case of flatulence....now get the hell outta my office.

Why is it that whenever anyone recommends a “natural” remedy for anything, it’s like you wanna barf.  Or, there are so many side effects you need another remedy to counter the side affects from the original remedy. I don’t get it.

It’s like those advertisements on television for stuff.  Pay attention the next time an ad appears for a prescription drug on television.

“Yes folks, “Crazomophjileinexiepne” will cure your insomnia with just one daily pill.  However, consult your doctor if you have the following symptoms. Heavy breathing followed by sneezing attacks; trembling in your legs or hands while attempting to drink water; thoughts of suicide or hitting yourself in the head with a large hammer; swelling of the tongue or any other part of your body, unless you’re on Viagra, which, in that case, may be the effects from taking Viagra; blurred vision, ringing in your ears, or severe drooling.”

And THAT’s just from taking one pill. So, um….how many other pills do ya have to take to counter that one pills effect?  Then, what’s the side effects from taking all the other pills that you have to take to counter the original pill along with the other pills.

I think eventually, if you start with that one pill, and then escalate to all those other pills, you wind up dead and the medical examiner finds you as a giant blob on your bathroom floor.  Might be a good storyline for “Fringe.”

Sarah Irani from “EcoSalon” (I have no idea what EcoSalon is other than I found it on the Internet in an article about natural remedies)

Anyhow, Sarah lists some natural remedies, which, I think might also have some weird side effects. I looked at a few.

Stop Bleeding:  Sprinkle cayenne pepper on a cut and it stops bleeding and relieves the pain.

But may cause severe sneezing….my thought.

Toothaches:  A few drops of clove oil or bite down on a piece of raw garlic.

Ok, but do not attempt to kiss anyone afterwards. Not even vampires.

Rashes and Allergies: Sarah suggests drinking at least three cups of green tea a day.

And do not stray too far from the bathroom.  You all know how fast hot tea works.

Athletes Foot: Soak you feet in salty water, then wash them with, (geesh) garlic juice or soak them in diluted white or apple cider vinegar.

Think I’m getting a sudden craving for french fries here.

Acne and Sensitive Skin: Simple according to Sarah.  Wash your face with oatmeal.

Time to take it off……have your spouse or sweetie lick it off of you. Hmmmm…..that might lead to something else too.

Ear Infections:  Here we go again with the garlic oil and white vinegar. You’re supposed to put a few drops in your ear. However, if your symptoms last longer than a few days, see your doctor.  I suggest showering first or your doctor may also have a sudden craving for french fries.

Flatulence:  My suggestion was a huge cork but Sarah suggests taking a digestive enzyme with your meals.  Digestive enzyme?  Like Gasex or Beano? Have to check with your health food store on that one folks but make sure you don’t have any flatulence when you go there. Don’t wanna freak them out.

Dandruff: Use aloe vera gel by rubbing it into your scalp or…here we go again…..apple cider vinegar.  What’s with her and this vinegar stuff anyhow?

Headache or Migraines:  Divorce you wife….no, only kidding. Sarah says use peppermint or lavender oil on your temples and on the base of your neck.  Perhaps, my idea, if you have a piece of peppermint chewing gum that’s lost it’s taste and you can’t get to any peppermint oil, slap it on your head or neck instead.  (do not be seen in public doing this)

Indigestion and heartburn:  You guessed it folks…….apple cider vinegar by taking a spoonful or two.  Hmmmmm…..back to the french fry thing again.  If ya eat some french fries with the apple cider vinegar does that count? Beats just shoving some of that stuff down your throat without anything to go with it.

Hey….if she’s going to continuously push this vinegar stuff….might as well get some enjoyment out of it.

Constipation:  My all time favorite.  She suggests using a few teaspoons of olive oil mixed with a bit of orange (diluted) lemon juice, or, 1/4 teaspoon of epsom salts drunk in 1/2 glass of water. (don’t any of these remedies taste good for Gawds sake?) At least there’s no garlic involved in this one.

Those were some of the remedies that were listed. There were some others, but my stomach just couldn’t take writing about them anymore.  Think I’m feeling a bit queasy.

So, if you suffer from any of these aches, pains or any other health complaints, you can try these remedies, or, just suffer through them and be able to enjoy eating food with garlic and vinegar in it without getting nauseous just thinking about what some people are actually doing with garlic and vinegar……especially vinegar.

(mostly women will understand that last reference to the use of vinegar)

Which I’m NOT using on my french fries today at McDonald’s.

Damn you Sarah!

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV

Header: chickart@cox.net

About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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