Taxes Up The Kazoo And More!

Ya mean I'm worth more dead than alive!!! Holy Rudolph!!!!

No one likes taxes.  I said TAXES not Texas.  Now pay attention here.

If there’s a way to tax something, you can trust in our legislators to come up with a way to do it.  So far, they haven’t quite found a way to tax sex, at least I don’t think they have.  I’m basing this on the fact that I haven’t received a tax bill indicating that I’m overdue. Boy would I owe big time.

Anyhow, I came across a list of some really stupid taxes, along with some idiotic tax breaks too.  I find it hard to believe that anyone with a brain who’s a government official would actually come up with these taxes. BUT….that said, we all know it doesn’t take a brain to be a politician…..just money.

For instance.  In Arkansas there’s a tax on body piercing, gutter cleaning and pet grooming.  Who the hell thought of that?  So, never let your pet groom himself while cleaning a gutter and wearing a body piercing. How simple is that!

In California if you were persecuted by the “Ottoman” empire between 1915 and 1923 you get a tax exemption.  I’ve personally never heard of the Ottoman empire, unless they’re talking about some big company in California that manufactures ottomans and you fell off one, or something like that and got injured. If you did, you get a tax break.

In Hawaii if you have a tree approved by an aborist, (no, an aborist is not a person who performs an abortion on a tree) you get a $3,000 tax break. Now I have no idea what this aborist has to do to approve your tree so that you can get that tax break.  Maybe your tree has to have smooth bark, no squirrel holes, long trim sexy branches, and really colorful leaves….I don’t get it.  Might wanna call those people and see if your tree qualifies.

In Maryland if you harvest oysters you get a tax break.  What the heck is with that?  Wanna bet that if you harvest an oyster and you find a rare pearl they take back that tax break. Or at least tax you on discovering the pearl because they think you’ll make a few bucks off of it.

In New York if you have a Halloween show with music you can be taxed. I guess they consider it an off-Broadway show or something.  To avoid this tax I would advise anyone to hire mimes, display nothing but silent Halloween movies and lip sync the music in silence. Perhaps yelling “BOO” by just holding up a huge sign that says “BOO.”

In South Carolina if you have a deer carcass that helps the needy you get a $50 tax break.  This may account for the fact that many people who travel through South Carolina have complained of an unusual odor while travelling through South Carolina.  Lots of smelly needy people there as well. This stems from the donation factor.

Yep, leave it to our legislators to come up with these ideas.  Here’s another one for ya.  It’s been proposed that grocery shoppers be charged five cents for using those plastic shopping bags you get your groceries in if you do not use the recyclable ones.  So in other words…..either you buy the recyclable bags, or pay sucker.

So here’s my counter solution if you’re one of those people, like myself, who doesn’t want to be told what to do.  You, your spouse and kids can go to your local grocery store wearing those trendy baggy down to your butt pants.  Stuff all of the groceries into your pants at the checkout and stick it to those SOB’s.

Um…..just be careful with live lobsters and chocolate items.  Er…..well… least if the chocolate melts you can get into some really neat romantic interludes later on.

So ya see, some taxes can be good, if they get you an exemption, while others are just plain stupid.  My theory is that you should counter the taxes they charge you with counter taxes to get rid of the taxes they levied on you in the first place. Like the exemptions I listed above.

So I’m heading out to start my own counter tax program right now.

I plan on loading up my pickup truck with as many deer carcasses as I can get my hands on and driving to South Carolina, donating them to those needy folks, getting my tax break, and heading back home………..

Um….do they give a tax break on the purchase of a gas mask?  Might just need it on that long drive down to South Carolina with a bunch of dead smelly deer carcasses.

Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on and Kindle
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1 Response to Taxes Up The Kazoo And More!

  1. J Roycroft says:

    I enjoyed this post but I refuse to comment on anything related to the imperial federal government taxing authority. No, I am not paranoid.

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