Just when you thought it was safe to come out of the bathroom, SHAZAM! (an old Captain Marvel phrase) there are candidates all over the freakin’ place.
A recent straw poll in New Hampshire, and now all kinds of positioning, and we’re not talkin’ about bedroom romps. Might as well be though.
Geez, we just got over the midterm elections and now they’re going to shove more political stuff down our throats…or….up where the sun don’t shine. Why the hell does it have to begin NOW? I mean, it’s two long years till the next campaign. Unless you discount the months prior to the campaign, which apparently is now….so then, I guess time’s a wastin’.
Mark DeMoss, (no relation to the kind that grows on trees) supposedly is well-connected to the Evangelical community, which I think is a gated community in Encino, California, but, I could be mistaken.
Anyhow, this guy Mark says that all Christian Conservatives should give a litmus test to potential candidates before even considering throwing them their support. I guess like in “support hose.” He signaled out Mitt Romney as one that could possibly be of interest in 2012.
Vats mitt dat? (sorry, couldn’t help myself…I’ve been recently watching reruns of “Band Of Brothers.”
The litmus test that Mr. DeMoss is talking about consists of three important litmus test qualifications. First, you must have a litmus. Which is a blue dyestuff made from certain lichens. This litmus stuff turns red by acids and remains blue when treated with an alkali.
So, I would assume all Christian Evangelicals, including Mr. DeMoss intend on pouring this stuff on all prospective candidates before endorsing them.
If the candidate turns red…..he or she is definitely a Republican. Blue, then obviously a Democrat. So simple, yet quaint.
Once the candidate’s party affiliation is determined by this litmus test he or she must pass the following criteria as outlined by Mr.DeMoss. (geez, too bad his first name wasn’t Pete)
1. Who is most capable of being the Republican nominee. My guess would be a REPUBLICAN.
Also another guess would be whomever has the brightest color of red when they take that litmus test.
2. Who is the most capable of raising money, staff, volunteers and getting the message across.
Again, my guess would be what ever candidate can afford tons of litmus paper so that he or she can appear at public gatherings projecting an aura of red or at least some color close to red. Crimson might work, which, actually might not be a bad choice considering that the candidate could then use “Crimson and Clover” by Tommy James and the Shondells as their campaign song. Um, providing Tommy James and the Shondells also pass the litmus test. Gotta cover all bases here folks.
3. Who is capable of being president.
Geez. That’s a tough one. How exactly do you determine whose capable of being president. Hmmmmm.
I GOT IT!!! A test….yeah….a test. Like they give applicants applying for a job. A presidential test. If they pass, they get to run for president. If not, they get their own reality show….providing they’re from Alaska or some other foreign country. WAIT!……Alaska is not a foreign country. Sorry.
So what questions do you ask on a presidential test?
1. Have you ever resigned a governorship? (Sarah Palin please sit down
2. Have you ever not had sex with someone you actually had sex with? (trick question)
3. Have you ever thought of invading a country that did not have weapons of mass destruction?
4. Do you know who invented the word, “recordification?”
5. Do you often use the phrase, “read my lips.?
6. Would you, if elected, invite Lady Ga Ga to your birthday party to sing, “Happy Birthday Mr. President”?
7. Are your initials capable of being shortened so that the media can refer to you as JFK, LBJ, FDR, BLT or GFY and WTF? (another trick question on those last two sets of initials should the electorate hate your guts if elected)
8. Have you ever said to anyone, “I am not a crook” “I did not have sex with that woman” or “mission accomplished” while actually having sex with a woman and accomplishing it?
9. Do you have any idea what the hell a litmus is? (if you answered this last question, “a litmus is a small animal that lives in Litmus, Alaska,”) give yourself 50 points for stupidity, which is one qualification for being president. Why else would you want to run for an office that only guarantees you four to eight years of work and then you get laid off.
So there you have it. The perfect test for qualifying for the job of President of the United States, or, at least being qualified to run for the office.
I personally took the test to see if I qualified, but failed. Which is just fine with me considering my lifestyle, which would have to change drastically.
I would no longer be able to stalk young sexy interns. (in my case, waitresses at Dunkin Donuts) I’d have to give up all of the kickbacks I presently get. (a free senior donut and coffee at a local casino) Sex with ANY woman would be out of the question. (I’m not giving up my free Viagra samples) I’d have to resign my co-chairmanship of CAPA (Ct. Authors & Publishers Assoc.) in order to attain celebrity status like Ms. Palin, and I don’t wanna do that because they give out free cookies and stuff at each meeting. My initials, RLV could be used in a non flattering manner by the press, say like, “Rotten Lowdown Vermin.”
And….my final reason for not wanting to get involved in running for President……..is the negative aspect……..
I’m way too short, 5′ 4″, which means I wouldn’t be able to be seen over the podium during a press conference.
The positive aspect…….
Someone could throw their shoe at me and they’d miss.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV