I never really worry about being naughty or nice until just before Christmas. In fact, just a few days before Christmas….like NOW!!!!
Now I’m beginning to panic. Was I naughty just a bit, or naughty a lot? Was I nice to anyone or did I tell a lot of people to go…um…..have sexual relations with themselves? (mildly put for the younger folk and the politically correct squeamish types)
Um….does the time I flipped off that guy who cut me off on the Interstate count? Rats!
Or that one single time I visited the adult party express store count? OMG!!!
Hey…I was just curious. I just wanted to see if they actually did have such things as giant inflatable dolls. Can’t blame a guy for being curious. Santa can at least cut me some slack on that one.
WAIT! What about all of the nice things I’ve done over the past year. That should count for something.
Let’s see. I faithfully fed the squirrels, birds, stray cats and that possum in my backyard anything my other half cooked that I didn’t like. Um, she doesn’t know this, so lets not blab this all over. Not that her cooking is bad mind you, it’s just that…um….er……..ok, her cooking IS bad.
I ALWAYS say hello to those people who greet you at the front door of Wal-Mart stores even though trying to strike up an intelligent conversation with them is like talking to someone who’s been on a really good marijuana trip and is still waaaaay up there. Should count for something.
WAIT! I subscribe to Playboy magazine and that might be considered naughty to Santa. Um, but I DO actually read the articles, and, and…um…..(sigh) Ok I look at the pictures too. Rats!
Surely there must be something I’ve done in the past year to warrant getting something other than coal in my stocking.
HEY! I gave away a gazillion books of “I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way” my autobiography. THAT should count. Um, maybeee not…..Santa might look at the word “sex” in the title and mark that as a minus in the nice or naughty column. Damn it……..oops…..sorry Santa.
Geez…..this is really tough. I really need to think of something I did that was so good it cancels out anything naughty I might have done.
I rescued two stray cats and brought them home and adopted two more from the pound………. YES!!!!
Oh, Oh. That was three years ago. Foiled again.
Ok, how about the fact that at least one a month I faithfully contribute to the welfare of Indians throughout our land by depositing money into their accounts to help those tribes that have been treated so unfairly by our government for so many years.
UM, does playing slots at Indian casinos count as actually helping them? I’m not sure on that one….kinda borderline.
(sigh) I really can’t think of anything I’ve done to get on the good side of Santa before he comes tomorrow night. I even tried to send an e-mail to Wikileaks to see if they could access his naughty or nice list but no one responded.
Oh well. I guess it’s the same old usual ploy I’ve used year after year.
Christmas eve, just before midnight, when I can hear the sound of tiny little hoofs landing on my roof. Which is fairly easy considering we have one of the few houses in the area with a flat roof. I’ll jump outta bed, run to the cupboard, whip out that bottle of Jack Daniels and two cigars, place them on a table next to the Christmas tree, and await the final results as he scampers down the chimney.
Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la,
Nothing works better than bribery, fa la la la la la la la la.
Copyright (hic) 2010 MisfitWisdom RLV