Halloween is another one of those events that really doesn’t affect me any longer. I kinda compare it to Christmas Eve as a child when I used to get all excited at the thought of waking up in the morning and finding what Santa had left under the tree.
Now that I’m an adult, I know that Santa Claus was really mom and dad (via credit cards)….sorry Virgina…they actually lied to you.
Anyhow, Halloween is basically the same. Yeah, as a kid I used to love to get all dressed up, venture out into the neighborhood and collect all that free candy. Today, of course, I’m way too old to wear a costume and go out and troll the neighborhoods. As still tempting as that may be considering the price of candy today.
There were a few times I did actually get dressed up as an adult. Once when I went to a party and the other while on strike and walking a picket line on Halloween Eve. I was dressed up as a ladybug and walked around the picket line in black tights and an orange polka-dotted top while wearing antennas on top of my head.
I really wanted to dress up as a mouse, but couldn’t find any mouse costumes. I commented to my spouse at that time that I really wanted to be a mouse and her reply was, “you are a mouse.” I kinda sensed something in our marriage might be wrong, considering her snide remark, but just ignored it temporarily and continued to munch on a piece of cheese.
But, that particular Halloween, along with her remark, was scary enough for me to realize that no ghost, goblin or monster was scarier than a discontented spouse. I think if she had dressed up as an ax murderer that Halloween I might have taken more stock in the “mouse” comment, gotten divorced a lot earlier, and happily munched on my cheese alone and contented.
My theory, by the way, is that marriages should have expiration dates. All other things have expiration dates. Drivers licenses, car registrations, coupons etc, so why not marriages? Hey, after two years, (time I would set for marriage renewals) if your spouse calls you a mouse, has constant headaches at bedtime while you’re frisky, and is just a downright b***h (sorry Joy Behar) and, you start to see hair growing on her face, then you should have the option of either renewing your marriage or not. Makes sense to me.
So, that said, this Halloween might be a good time for some of you discontented married adults to think about scaring the hell out of your spouses.
Here’s some hints:
Dress up as a divorce lawyer and carry a big subpoena.
Wear an O.J. Simpson outfit.
Dress up as Lizzie Borden (women only)
And the perfect Halloween costume to scare the hell out of your spouse and have him/her head for the nearest attorneys office………………….
Men……unshaven, 50 pounds overweight, out of work and horny.
Women….hair in curlers, also 50 pounds overweight, also out of work and sporting a faint moustache which requires you using his Gillette razor a few times during the week.
Now, to me…..that’s the scariest thing on Halloween….or any other day for that matter.
Happy Halloween everybody….and…oh yeah…..boo and other salutations of the season.
Copyright 2010 MisfitWisdom RLV