Who Wants To Be A Millionaire…NOT!!!

Flying Fickle Finger Feather Award presented to the test creators of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire"


I’m not the brightest lightbulb in the pack…..in fact…..I probally fall into the small LED category.  But I’m not stupid either.  I have a fair amount of intelligence to know that neither the chicken or the egg came first…..obviously the answer to that question is that both were created at the very same time….by whomever……the Mayans most likely or one of Bill gate’s ancestors. 

With that in mind, and with a lot of confidence in myself, I sent an e-mail to “Who Want’s To Be A Millionaire” the TV show hosted by Meredith Vieira on ABC TV.   

Shazam!  That same day I received a return e-mail with instructions on how to apply to be a contestant.  The instructions were simple.  Download the attached application, select a date you’d like to come in, and be there on that date.  There was a small Q & A part of the application which I will get to shortly. 

So, with great anticipation I scheduled my appointment, booked a ticket on the commuter train to New York, walked 21 blocks from Grand Central Station in the searing heat to the ABC building, and stood in line. Yeah, there was a line outside of the building waiting to get into a very nondescript looking door with the number “57” on it.  Looked kinda shady to me, but they had assistants outside of the building on the sidewalk telling all of us what to do. 

I walked up to one of them, he checked to see if my name was on the list. It was, and I was told I could go in early. (my original appointment was at 5:45 and it was only 4:30)  

“Wow!” I thought to myself. “Getting here early paid off.” 

Of course my companion and I arrived in New York at 2Pm so we had time to kill.  Which we used to observe the gazillion pigeons in Central park, the 6,000 vendors, 3,00 taxi cabs, 100 sidewalk beggars along with the unending noise of constant sirens responding to whatever.  

Oh yeah, we learned the art of pooping-scooping dog doo doo in Central Park while observing the various dogs on leashes with their owners.  Not a pretty sight when you’re munching on a hot dog. 

Anyhow, once inside the studio, (and keep in mind I had filled out an appointment time and filled out an application) ANYONE!!!!  ……yep, I said ANYONE!!! who was in line was admitted into the room to take a test to qualify for the show application or not.  WHAT!!! 

So this guise of feeling like you’re accomplishing something by e-mailing for an appointment and filling out an application is a bunch of what those dogs were depositing in Central Park. 

The test was geared basically to higher than average Albert Einsteins.  Not even close to some of the questions you’d be asked on the actual show.  For instance.  Crossing over the Rubicon is:  Crossing over a mountain, sea, desert or river?   Some of you may know this…..only 2 of us knew this at our table.  The answer was  a river,  but I thought it was a desert.  Or some reference to stepping over Rubik’s cube on a floor. 

Some we knew, others we didn’t out of the 30 questions.  The bottom line….no interview or appearance of the show.  (sigh) 

(out of the 100 or so people who took the qualification test….11 passed to qualify for the interview.  11!!!!  Um, I was not one of them nor was my companion or the other two individuals at our table) 

As for the original application which I filled out at home.  What was the purpose?  And I really tried to be creative on all of its four long pages too. 

Such as.  “How would a million dollars change your life?” I said, “Not very much other than supporting animal rights and getting that nose job I’ve wanted for so long.” 

And: “If you could nominate yourself as best or most likely to what would be your vote?”  My reply:  As having the best personality around people to the point that if I were in front of a firing squad, I’d make them all laugh before shooting me.” 

And: “What do you do for fun?’  My answer. “Breathe…..hey I’m 68!” 

Also. Why do you want to be on Millionaire?  My response.  To get my 16th minute of fame considering I used up my other 15 minutes years ago and to do it without sending my kid up in a hot air balloon or crashing any White House party. 

My final response to one of their questions which was. How did you hear about the audition?  My answer. While watching the show while attempting to figure out the best set of numbers for that evenings Powerball.  ( the numbers I picked, I’ve scientifically determined were not on any of the balls in the chamber) 

So, in conclusion, it’s a  waste of time to even attempt to get on that show or even bother to fill out an application.  No ones going to read it. 

If you are, however, the type of person who’s lightbulb intelligence can be equated to that of one bulb lighting up Yankee Stadium….then go for it.  But,….do not bother making an appointment….just go there, stand in line, and take the test.  If Rubicon is one of the questions…..remember it’s a damn river. 

I’m just giving up.  All my ploys to get an interview went down the drain. Even my attempt at sending Meredith Vieira my autobiography published last year. “I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love and Life Got In The Way.”   I figured she must have thrown it out thinking it was about former New York Governor Elliott Spitzer.  

Well, back to the drawing board. 

Hmmmm……….maybe I can get on doing my senior fart routine to the tune of Michael’s Jackson’s “Beat It.” 

Um….maybeeeeeee not. 

Copyright 2010 MisfitWisdom RLV 


About misfit120

Former disc jockey, (Dick Jones) 30 years, and author of, "I Could Have Been Famous But Sex, Love & Life Got In The Way" available at Amazon.com books, & Kindle, "The Covert Chamber" a mystery novel available at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble, and "Forgotten" the story of two WWI pilots who were forgotten for over 70 years available on Amazon.com and Kindle
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