Thought I’d take a break today from the usual wacko stuff that’s in the news. I’m actually “oversarahjessicaparkered” and need a break from celebrity news and boob enhancement stories.
I’m also well aware, as most of us are, about the massive BP oil spill in the Gulf…..it’s the very first story on the national news each night. My thought…………..clean it the F**K up, clamp down on the oil drillers so they know it’s not just a free ticket to drill with no consequences other than, “oops, we’re sorry” and we’ll do our best to clean it up and give those poor wildlife creatures a decent burial. “Oh yeah, we failed to mention that oil prices will be a bit higher so that we can pay for all of that cleanup…..hey, you didn’t think “WE” were gonna foot the bill did ya?”
NOISE. Damn it. I’m getting to the point that a lot of unnecessary noise is beginning to piss me off. Loud radios, mufflers on cars, motorcycles and trucks. I know there’s not much I can do about it other than to bang off a letter to my town selectman, but he’s never responded to any of my letters. I can’t understand why. When I call his secretary she keeps telling me he’s not available because he’s out riding his Harley with his truck driving friends. Hmmmm.
TV Commercials are another source of my nightly irritation. Not that there “ARE” commercials, but the fact that they are annoying and loud and they seem to be inserting as many as they can into a half hour program. It’s getting to the point that they actually need an “all commercial TV channel.” My theory is that TV listings in the newspaper should list commercials with programs inserted in between.
“Whaddya wanna watch tonight on TV dear?”
“Um, well, how about a couple of Ford Truck commercials, several new prescription medication commercials for erectile dysfunction, and perhaps 5 minutes of “The Mentalist.”
“Hey great, I’ve been waiting all week-long to see if that guy ever gets that chick in bed after he takes his Viagra pill.”
“Yes honey, that was a cliffhanger wasn’t it. And how about that other guy with the big smile on his face, “Bob” or something like that. Remember all those women smiling at him while he was half-naked in that commercial that showed him going through the airport security line?”
“Oh yeah, he had that same erectile dysfunction problem too. Wonder how he made out?”
“Last I heard dear is that he’s being charged by airport security for carrying a concealed weapon in his pants.”
“Oh My Gawd…………Really!”
Self checkout scanners at supermarkets is another one of my losing it moments. You go to the store, buy three things, go to the self scanner aisle so you can get the hell out of the store in a flash, and, “Kerflunko” something kicks out that you tried to scan and you have to wait for an assistant, who’s 20 miles down the other end of the store to help you out. Meanwhile, the SOB in the next regular checkout line with a gazillion bags of groceries has already checked out and is heading out the door. Small tins of arsenic should be sold at those self check out scanners so that you can just end it all right there.
What about the times you go into a convenience store to pick up something in a hurry and the clerk is on his or her cellphone talking to their friends. Don’t you tend to feel that you’re almost an inconvenience.
“Oh, I’m sorry, did I interrupt your social life. How stupid of me. Please forgive me, I’ll just take this stuff, leave, and pay ya later when you’re not so busy. Heh heh.”
I usually like to exercise a few times a week by walking through a local park. However, I’ve decided that I can forgo that plan by simply going to a Home Depot, Lowes, Super Wal-Mart or any other super sized carry everything in God’s creations store. Simply attempt to find a clerk when you can’t locate something, and 9 out of 10 times there will not be one within 5 miles. This then allows you to walk the entire length of the store several times in search of someone, thereby getting your daily exercise. Most of the time you can also get in a few extra laps around the store by locating a clerk that doesn’t know squat and directs you to the wrong aisle. I think most of these clerks are rehabilitated serial murderers in work release programs.
The last thing that drives me absolutely bonkers are senior citizens with no taste in clothing. Now don’t start rolling your eyes if you’re a senior citizen reading this. Especially if you’re one of those dressed in white sneakers, orange socks, plaid shorts and a Hawaiian shirt. Unfortunately I fall into the “senior” category, but if you catch me dressed like that in public, I’ve either been doing some really good drugs or I’m totally blind and my wife, who wants to get even, dressed me.
(P.S. If I ever have to get one of those motorized scooters I’m gonna make sure it has a Dodge Ram 5.7 liter Magnum V-8 Hemi engine and a four on the floor stick shift for power…..don’t F**K with me if you see me comin’)
Why did I pick that last one? For all the times I’m walking behind one of those scooters thats doing 2 miles per hour.
I just felt like venting today folks. I think what set me off was waking up at 7am this morning to some SOB cutting his lawn with a jet engine type lawnmower. Something else that drives me nuts.
Now where the hell did I put my shotgun?
Copyright 2010 MisfitWisdom RLV