I knew in advance what I was going to write about today, the problem was that I just didn’t know how to start this blog. It’s a humorist’s writers dream. The creative spark was the Associated Press column by reporter Matt Sedensky entitled, “Reefer Madness” which was about marijuana use by seniors. (take that you tea party drinkers)
I couldn’t wait to get to my computer to add my two cents. It might add up to more than my two cents by the time I finish writing this. Gosh, I’m so excited.
Not because I smoke marijuana, but because I once did, and knew that someday a bunch of seniors were all going to wind up smoking the stuff sitting around their televisions watching old re runs of Gilligan’s Island, Dick Clark’s American Bandstand and the Mickey Mouse Club.
“Hey Bertha, look, there’s Annette Funicello, man is she still hot lookin.”
“Harry! For Gawd’s sake, Annette is 68 years old now!”
“Oh yeah, I forgot, must be this cheap pot I picked up yesterday from Herman when we were at the senior center playing bingo.”
Yep, pot usage is up among seniors 50 and older according to an AARP study. I can see what’s coming down the pike folks. 65 year old guys standing outside of senior centers with trench coats hawking pot right after bingo lets out.
“Hey gramps, ya wanna good deal on some Tijuana Gold?”
“WOW! Tijuana Gold! Did I hear you correctly?” (Turns up hearing aid to full volume as he coasts his automatic scooter to a screeching halt)
“Gimme a bag of that stuff. I just hit on B-29 in bingo and really cleaned up. Yahoo!!!! Make that two bags, one for me and one for Thelma.”
One senior was quoted as saying that she can’t figure out why everyone her age isn’t sharing a joint too. Her quote: “They’re missing a lot of fun and a lot of relief.” (I would guess she was referring to gas or constipation) OH yeah, sorry, she was referring to the fact that marijuana has helped her sleep better than taking pills. I’m wondering what the “fun” part was that she mentioned. Perhaps it’s what takes place in senior bedrooms after smoking a joint. One can only imagine. Or not.
(Um, for you younger folks under 40 who think that your parents or grandparents do not have SEX, do not attempt to imagine what happens in senior bedrooms as this could blow your mind and ruin your childhood memories of Snow White and those six guys living together and Little Red Riding Hood’s granny with the wolf. Just a clue……..remember…..the wolf was wearing Granny’s nightgown when Riding Hood entered the room. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out boys and girls)
One of the seniors in Matt’s article said that each evening he sits down and watches the evening news, pours himself a glass of wine and rolls a joint. Hmmm, doesn’t everyone do this? I don’t get it. Oh, wait a minute, we’re talking about seniors here. Ok, so he sits down and does a joint watching the news. This could be a clue as to why a lot of older folks have no F*****G clue, and don’t give a rats ass as to what the hell is going on in Washington or anywhere else for that matter. They’re all too damn high to give a damn. Either that, or they just don’t understand what the hell Katie Couric just said.
KATIE: “In the news tonight it’s been reported that AARP, in a recent study, discovered that marijuana use among seniors is on the increase and that many boomers feel that the drug does not hold the stigma it did for previous generations. This is quite a surprise to me.”
“Alice, come here quick!”
“What is it dear?”
“Katie just reported on the news that its ok for us seniors to use marijuana and her final words were that it might be covered in Medicare Part D for free!!!!”
“Are you sure she said that sweetie?”
“Whaddya think I’m stupid just because I’m 65? I may have had two joints after supper but I know what I heard. And furthermore, AARP has endorsed it. Oh yeah hon, by the way, I just won the Australian lottery!”
“But did you play the Austrailian lottery dear?”
“Um, no but it WAS an official notification in my e-mail and all I have to do to claim my prize is send them a check for $500 to cover the transaction costs.”
“Oh, Ok dear, (lighting up a joint) when you send for your Viagra refill just send them a check too.”
Another senior said, “Food tastes better, music sounds better and sex is more enjoyable.”
“Get out the giant inflatable doll honey, papa’s got some good stuff to smoke tonight and we’re gonna make it a threesome!”
Well, we all know, at least those of us who have experienced pot’s effects, that you can feel a lot better after smoking a joint. There can be some wierd moments as well. I remember the time I smoked a joint before having sex and during a rather intense moment had visions of my wife’s face staring back at me ecstatically. The problem was, it was vision of my ex wife’s face. That may have been the defining moment for me in my decision to quit smoking the stuff. It was either that or the time I thought my pet sheep looked rather sensuous.
Anyhow, it’s nice to see that seniors from the baby boom generation have found a way to enjoy maturity in the golden years. I often wondered about how we would appear to the younger generation. There was a lot of stuff besides marijuana around and fortunately it’s not as bad as all of the other drugs seniors could be using. My concern has nothing to do with seniors doing pot however. It’s tattoos. Yep, tattoos.
You may recall that along with smoking pot, there was also the need for us to get a distinctive tattoo. Especially when you were high. Now picture little 9 year old Susie, the great granddaughter of a 76 year old grandmother who’s visiting granny either in an assisted senior living center or possibly a rest or retirement home.
“Granny, you have a tattoo on your boob…..wow….neat! It’s kinda faded, what does it say?”
“It says, “Take a look at these fellas, it’s the real thing, with a picture of a Coca Cola bottle.”
“But granny, what’s the picture of the tongue doing on the other boob.”
“Um, forget it sweetie……..here, have a Coke.”
This of course is not to mention all of the other strange tattoos that are all over various body parts of seniors as well. Most women today opt for a simple flower type of tattoo. Which of course will wilt somewhat in later years. My favorite place for a woman to have a flower tattoo is on her butt. Although, considering the proximity of a certain part of an anatomy, perhaps a tattoo of an air freshener would have been better. (ya have to think about that one folks) Okay, Okay…..for those of you who didn’t get it…..a**hole.
I shudder to think of what today’s generation will be into when they become seniors. Let’s see…………..reality shows, tea party’s, breast and other body part enlargements, prescription drugs, (namely Viagra) and the eternal quest to stay or at least appear young.
Soooooooooooo. This could be the Associated Press report on seniors years from now.
Miami: 88 year old Sharika Bloomquist and her husband Shaloque who recently retired told us today, while still sporting a “Tea Bag Party” campaign button, that life is great now that they have settled into a comfortable retirement at “Reality Village” here in Miami. Mrs. Bloomquist recently took first place in the senior wet t-shirt competition boasting a size 85DD while her husband attempted to keep her from falling over into the swimming pool. His efforts apparently failed but fortunately for Mrs. Bloomquist, she had no problem staying afloat.
They both say their marriage and health have endured over the years due to all of the wonderful new drugs that were available to them in the 2000’s. You may recall that Mr. Bloomqust was the smiley guy on television ads that was featured in a male enhancement commercial. He’s still smiling, although dentures have replaced his real teeth and an incident involving an overdose of Viagra and a quick closing elevator door almost did him in.
Other than that, the Bloomquists do live comfortably on their retirement and bonus money from AIG and stock investments in the Lipton Tea Company. As many of you know Lipton Tea makes tea bags, which is now the party in power, the Tea Bag Party, and of course our national symbol on all currency as well as the flag of the United States.
President Palin sent congratulatory wishes to the Bloomquists from the new White House in Honolulu. Vice President Scott Brown also congratulated them and gave both of the Bloomquists autographed pictures from his Cosmo magazine spread. President Palin was quoted saying to the couple, “See, all those hopey changy things did work out for ya folks.”
Well, that’s it boys and girls. Another day in the neighborhood as Mr. Rogers would say.
Ok Scotty, beam me and my pet sheep up now. God….these drugs are great.