I’m a sucker for conspiracy theories. I wasn’t always that way until the JFK Assassination in 1963. The I went off the deep end and conspiracies started piling up in my mind on just about everything that didn’t seem quite right. Even today, though I’ve calmed down quite a bit, I still believe in a few conspiracy theories. Like big business, the government the IRS and big banks conspiring to take our money. We all know that’s a bunch of baloney. They would never do that.
But recently I’ve stumbled on a theory that I just can’t seem to get out of my mind. I thought about it one evening as I was attempting to fall asleep after watching a late night news program on the space shuttle. The story was about the shuttle program and how the last mission to the space station will be coming soon. Then the fleet will be retired but not before the final mission which is primarily to stock up the space station cupboard and pantrys with provisions. A light bulb went off in my head.
I said to myself, “Dick, because that’s my name, what the hell are they stocking the space station pantrys and cupboards for when they’re going to end missions to go there?” I know what you’re all thinking. You’re all thinking that there will be more missions to the space station……right!
Well the news reporter didn’t say that there would be any more missions to the space station. Kinda wierd don’t you think? All that food up there just floating around with no one to eat it. Hmmmmm.
So then I tossed and turned thinking about that and finally realized what the hell was going on Now, if you’re not into conspiracy theories you might just as well stop reading right here. (pausing while some of you go back to porn sites)
Okay, here’s my theory. Remember the Mayans. I hate to keep bringing these guys up but they’re the ones who started this the world is coming to an end in 2012 business. So let’s assume for the sake of argument they’re right. And let’s also assume high government officials also think they’re right. You know what that means? It means we’re all F****D folks. Yep, and it ain’t gonna feel good.
Now why do I feel that all indications point to this theory of mine. I’ll tell ya why. First of all, if you’ve ever watched the History Channel or Discovery Channel, you may have seen programs on ancient civilizations and drawings found in the pyramids and other places. Apparently these ancient guys had nothing better to do than draw on walls and stuff. In a lot of these ancient drawings there appear to be depictions of spacecraft. Not only that, but strange creatures with helmets and fire coming out of the back of whatever it is their flying. FLYING!!!! Yeah, flying! But we also know that there was no way these people could fly unless a few of them decided to try it off the top of a pyramid. So then, how the hell did we uncover a map of the entire word, which is accurate, that was made before anyone could fly? So, there in lies my theory.
Are you ready for this? Too bad, because I’m going to tell you about it anyhow. And if I’m right, you’ll all owe me an apology. Then again, if I’m right, I won’t be around to accept your apologies. Neither will you.
Okay, here it is.
Once upon a time, (I like stories that start that way) there was a civilization somewhere in outer space whose world was about to come to an end. It was kinda like our society today except that there were no political parties, banks, Dick Cheney or the IRS to screw up everything. Life was actually great, with the exception of their planet about to implode or be hit by a giant humongous asteroid. So they all got together and decided that they had to seek out another planet in order to survive. Henceforth, the expedition to discover a new planet was undertaken.
By sheer luck, and of course with well advanced GPS systems in their spacecraft, (they were much more intelligent than us) they discovered earth. Of course the only people at that time on the planet were the Mayans and they greeted the space visitors with open arms because they came bearing gifts, such as etching equipment which enabled the Mayans to draw on walls, and loincloths for the Mayans to wear so that their foo foos and ding dongs would not get frozen off during the cold winter months. Hence, the drawings of spaceships and Mayans running around dressed in only loincloths. That’s how it all began my friends. Brilliant don’t ya think!
So, fast forward to 2012. Once again our planet is about to implode. The signs are all there. Republicans, Democrats, Independents, all hate one another. Reality shows are going haywire with cameras following people everywhere. (I’m still waiting for a bathroom reality show entitled, “My Biggest Crap.” or……..”Cameras Implanted Inside The Womb.” A real life look at what it’s like from the inside.)
Then there’s all the other stuff that point to our demise. The Mayans knew that when it got to the point that Heidi Montag got 45D size breast implants, it was time to end their calendar at 2012. WHY? Because it would lead to an explosion of 45DD breast implants and the world would be so crowded with all those boobs taking up space that there would be no room for any more people. Now this seems logical to me.
So, getting back to the space station. When all that stuff happens, and government officials know that it will, they want to be prepared just like the original guys in the spaceship that visited the Mayans . Yep, stock up the space station with franks and beans and prepare to bail out before December 2012. Of course little worthless human beings, such as you and I, will not be able to go with them. Only the elite, powerful and the brightest will be aboard that spaceship to the space station when the world blows up. THEN……..then they will venture out to another planet and start all over again. That’s my theory folks. And a good solid one I might add.
So, what’s the good and bad news about all of this?
The good news is that we can all stop worrying about trying to make ends meet by paying our bills on time because it obviously won’t matter. Spend all of that money and go out and have a hell of a time for yourselves. Go out and get those breast implants. Guys, divorce your wives and go after those big boobs. You deserve it. You only live once ya know. Forget about all those prescription ads on TV that can help you live longer. WHY? Cause you’re gonna die anyhow stupid.
The bad news is this.
If by chance the Mayans are entirely wrong and our planet survives 2012, boy are you gonna be in a lot of trouble for following my conspiracy advice.
Either way, it’s your call. As for myself, I’m maxing out my VISA card then heading for a foreign country………just in case I’m wrong.