WARNING: Before you attempt to read today’s MisfitWisdom blog, be advised that due to a lack of donations, I have taken drastic action and installed a toll booth at the beginning of this blog. Anyone wishing to read today’s blog must first deposit a donation into the toll booth slot, (use your PayPal account as we do not accept EZ-Pass ) before proceeding. Hey…..thought I’d give it a shot….nothing else works.
So, onward with today’s Roger Clemens blog. Um…hold on a sec…………..
“Hey Eric, wanna jump on your scooter and nail that guy who just ran my blog toll booth! Thanks.”
(Eric, by the way, in case some of you attempt to run my toll booth, is a professional California Highway Patrol Officer. You may have seen him on the TV program “CHIPS”)
Ya don’t wanna mess around with Eric.
Jussssst in case you think my toll booth idea is off the wall, well I’ll show ya where I got the idea: (see video below)
Ok….back to Roger. You may have heard that 50-year-old former Yankee baseball pitcher Roger Clemens is returning to the mound. Like I always say, sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes ya don’t. In Roger’s case, what the hell, nuts may be the word….or choice.
I mean the guy is 50 freakin’ years old for cripes sake. And he wants to return to the mound throwing baseballs! WTF! Let’s bring back Nolan Ryan, Oil Can Boyd, Luis Tiant or any other great pitcher. Providing they’re still out and about and not in a damn rest home. Or, they can throw a 97 mph fastball from a wheelchair or walker. What the hell, as long as the ball crosses the plate in the two or three minutes it would take the ball to get there, if they can throw a strike, go for it.
I’m all for bringing back really great baseball pitchers. Roger’s fast ball is still clocked at 87 mph, which is the same speed that guy running my toll booth was clocked at by Eric.
Roger is going to pitch for the ‘”Sugar Land Skeeters,” of the Independent Atlantic League in Houston, Texas. The last time Roger pitched was in 2007 against the Cleveland Indians in game 3 of the ALDS. (ALDS, for you non baseball folk, stands for “American League Division Series” and not “Aging Laughable Deteriorating Senior,” which, may or may not be what Roger turns out to be when he attempts to throw a few balls and “throws” out his sacroiliac or some other body part.
Which the grounds crew will have to be called out to clean up. Not a pretty sight.
The up side to this, if there is an up side, is that Roger could possibly cut a deal with AARP to promote seniors getting back into baseball thereby allowing many old senior pitchers, as mentioned above, to get off the Social Security and Medicare rolls and thereby cutting the government deficit down a bit. Every little bit helps ya know.
Anyhow, one less senior on Social Security and Medicare….the more money available the government can spend on more important things like sending Congressmen to Israel to try to walk on water on the Sea of Galilee or launch another space probe to probe places that need probing. Kinda like an endoscopy but more expensive and either way we still wind up paying for.
Hmmmm. Does Medicare and Medicaid cover space probes?
So Roger’s return to baseball should prove to be interesting. Which also poses a number of questions.
Will Roger be able to consistently throw a 87 mph ball without directions as to where the batter is standing? Will gas, (as most seniors get when they age) play a part in network’s muting their microphones so as not to pick up farting sounds when Roger throws a fastball? Instead of munching on nuts and Gatorade in the dugout, will Roger opt for “Beano” and a few swigs of “Ensure?”
And the most burning question of all. At Rogers age, if he’s on Viagra or Cialis, as a lot of seniors are, will we all be subjected to the “super bulge” effect while he’s on the mound?
The “super bulge” effect would naturally occur when a pitcher of Roger’s age, who is on Viagra or Cialis and is also wearing a protective cup, becomes aroused while on the mound seconds before the end of the ninth inning with two strikes on the batter and one strike to go to end the game for a win.
I mean, geez….I myself get aroused watching that and I don’t even take Viagra or Cialis.
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