You know how it is. You read in the paper or see a story on TV about somebody who just broke the “Guinness Book of World Records” for something or other, and you say to yourself, “Geez, I can top that!”
So, you figure that if that person can get in the book, why not you. The problem here is that some things ya just can’t top. Like walking on water for instance. Jesus has that one all sewed up folks.
But, that didn’t stop Representative Kevin Yoder (R) Kansas from at least giving it a shot.
“Hic”….um….what the hell guys, (burp) a few more swigs of Tequila and ah’ll betcha I can not only walk on water, but out piss any of you dudes.”
First let me set up the scenario for all of you in case you missed this story.
Last summer a Congressional delegation of House Republicans visited Israel on an official trip. (an “official” trip by any Congressional delegation is the term used by congressmen in lieu of the word, “vacation trip” which would necessarily not be paid for by us lowly taxpayers)
During this “official” trip Representative Yokel, um….sorry, Representative Yoder, after a session of late night drinking decided to venture off to the “Sea of Galilee” to see what they could see at the sea of Galilee.
Hark and forsooth! Would that be the SAME “Sea of Galilee” that “HE” walked on?
(Tequila effect kicks in)
“Hey, I betcha I can walk on water guys. Whaddya think?”
(Rep. Yoder presumably takes off his congressional clothing, congressional watch and fob, congressional tie, shoes, socks and congressional wallet, which contains congressional cash, (supplied by us lowly taxpayers) and proceeds to jump naked into the “Sea of Galilee” for a late night swim. Which, he immediately had to do because he discovered he could not walk on water like the big guy once did.
There was no mention in this story as to whether he attempted to get fish to multiply as well. Slim chance.
Representative Eric Cantor (R) Virgina, (no relation to the late Eddie Cantor) was also there but did not participate in the skinny dipping/walk on water episode. He did however, after hearing of the incident, say that he was “livid.” Livid, meaning reallllllllly pissed off.
“Oh gee gosh Kevin, I am so livid at you attempting to swim in the “Sea of Galilee” and I’m just livid as can be that you would make me so livid. Shame, shame, on you.”
The American political journalism organization “Politico,” which reported this story, also posted the comment below by Yoder which I have posted word for word from their site:
In a statement to Politico, Yoder said: “A year ago, my wife, Brooke, and I joined colleagues for dinner at the Sea of Galilee in Israel. After dinner I followed some Members of Congress in a spontaneous and very brief dive into the sea and regrettably I jumped into the water without a swimsuit. It is my greatest honor to represent the people of Kansas in Congress and [for] any embarrassment I have caused for my colleagues and constituents, I apologize.
(sniff) Ok Rep. Yoder. We forgive you for a moment of stupidity. After all, we’re all human and on occasion most of us who go to Israel and visit the “Sea of Galilee” have the same thoughts. Like, why don’t we all get naked, and see if we can walk on water.
Hell, I’d probably try it myself after a night of swigging down taxpayer paid Tequila with an unlimited taxpayer budget. I, personally, would have attempted to walk on water in a local YMCA first before attempting to walk on water in the “Sea of Galilee.”
That way if I sank to the bottom of the pool, I’d figure my chances were very slim I’d be able to pull it off in Israel. Unless when visiting Israel I concealed a pair of flesh-colored water wings, walked into the sea in the dead of night, naked, and THEN pretended I was walking on water…..or at least wading on water. Worth a shot.
Ah…..the perks of being a member of Congress.
Sooooooo. In the end, representative Yoder had to issue an apology to all of his colleagues for not being able to walk on water while naked and a bit tipsy, and to the locals for not producing any fish like the Big Guy did.
Tune in tomorrow folks for instructions from Missouri Representative Todd Akin (R) on how to get raped and not biologically get pregnant, thus not needing access to legal abortions.
Both these stories, and the Representatives soon to be possibly featured in a movie sequel entitled, “Dumb and Dumber Part 2.”
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