In my continuing effort to get as many people upset over using swear words as I can in a 24 hour period, specifically those people residing in Middleborough, Massachusetts, who have banned swearing in public places, MisfitWisdom presents outstanding swear moments in history. OR: What would have happened if Middleborough’s town selectwoman, Mimi Duphily’s ancestors banned swearing.
The Battle Of Little Big Horn:
“Holy crap Lt. Frosderk, look at all them f**king Indians!” Oops….20 dollar fine.
(not sure if “crap” is considered an actual swear word…..if it is, casinos are in a lot of trouble)
Custer makes a fateful decision he will eventually regret.
Washington Crossing The Delaware:
“OK….whose freakin’ idea was it to cross the Delaware in the dead of night while we’re all freezing our asses off?”
“It was my idea Corporal Spivey. And as a General I think you’re way outta line….so shut your freakin’ mouth and row.” ($40 fine)
Unable to break his habit of crossing things, Washington hires his original Delaware crossing crew to help him out.
Amelia Earhart and her navigator on her final flight:
“Amelia! Amelia! For cripes sakes didn’t you bring a goddamn parachute? (20 bucks)
Convinced that Amelia Earhart’s disappearance and Elvis’ death were somehow connected archeologists continue to look for clues.
Miles Standish asks John Alden to propose marriage to Priscilla for him:
“Priscilla. Miles Standish, who’s hiding over there in the bushes, asked me to ask you if you’d like to marry him.”
“WTF John. Can’t that damn a**hole ask me himself. What has he got bad breath or somethin’? Ya know what, screw him, if he can’t ask me himself, tell him to go f**k himself.” (60 bucks or whatever they used for money for fines back then)
Considering Priscilla was not what one would call a “hot babe” in the looks department, John Alden may have done Miles a favor by asking her to marry him instead of Miles.
The California Gold-rush:
“Festus! Festus! Come quick…holy crap! I found a f**king gold vein that’s gonna make us filthy f**king rich!”
“Um, hold on thar a second Clyde. The way yer swearin’ there is gonna cost us our entire fortune in fines.”
National Archives photo of one of the original California Gold Rush prospectors.
The Gunfight At The Ok Corral:
“Wyatt you damn panty waist no good suckin’ dog f**kin’ a**hole jerk off…..draw yer gun…go ahead you punk….draw yer gun and I’ll cut ya down like a motherf*****g wimp that you are in a hail of f**king bullets.”
“Now there’s no need for that kind of language Billy Clanton you dirty rotten no good dog.”
“BANG! POW! ZING! WHIZ!”
“Aw….what the hell did ya hafta go do that fer Wyatt. Now I’m all f***king shot to pieces and ahm gonna die dead.”
“Cause I don’t like swearin’ you dumb ass. Besides, ah did you a favor.”
“Gasp….wheeze…..w-h-h-h-hat f-f-f-avor?”
“Ah saved you a twenty-dollar fine for swearin’ in a public corral.”
Lewis and Clark Reach The Pacific:
“Hey Clark! How long ya figure we been traipsing around these here woods to finally get here to this Pacific ocean?
“Um, I’d say about 1 year and six months.”
“Ok…so now what?”
“Beats the f**k outta me Lewis. Go home I guess.”
Lewis
Clark
The Louisiana Purchase: (Thomas Jefferson buys Louisiana from Napoleon for $15,000,000)
“OK Nappy…so we’ve agreed that you’ll sell me all of Louisiana for $15,000,000 and a jar of Gold Bond Powder to help you with that itch you have on your stomach…is that right?”
“F**kin A Tom. I really need to stop this itching’ under my wife beater shirt….its drivin’ me crazy. And, ya gotta admit, $15,000,000 isn’t a bad deal.”
“Hmmmm. Well, I might be a little short.”
“SHORT! There ya go with the motherf**king short jokes again. Well screw you Jefferson. Ya know, I can get a better deal on Louisiana on eBay. And without having to put up with any freakin’ short jokes.”
After feeling remorse for selling Louisiana so cheap, Napoleon seeks professional help.
The Declaration of Independence:
“So my fellow delegates. Have we all decided on the final wording on this here freedom of speech thing?”
“Geez…I dunno Ben. I’m kinda worried about one signature on this document.”
“A signature! You’re worried about someone’s signature….who?”
“Um……John Hancock’s”
“Why for Gawds sake?”
“Um…er……heh, heh, the word “c**k” in John Hancock’s name. This whole document could be thrown out the window if anyone from the township of Middleborough, Massachusetts associates John’s name with some sort of perverted action or somethin’ You know….”hand” and then the word “c**k”. Seems kinda shaky to me Ben.”
“Ah….let’s just take our chances, sign the freakin’ document and be done with it. Besides, according to my seer, who really has a fantastic crystal ball, it’ll be years before anyone in Middleborough will ever be concerned about dirty swear words. We’ll all be dead by then.”
“Good point Ben. What say we all get the hell outta here, get rid of these son-of-a-bitchin’ wigs and raise some hell!”
“Great….as long as it’s not in Middleborough.”
And, as usual…most of the time, a final video tribute to General George Armstrong Custer’s last stand courtesy of YouTube:
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