Sir Walter Raleigh about to be beheaded after ogling way too many women.
I never realized just how dumb I was regarding my knowledge of history until this big flap about Sarah Palin’s take on Paul Revere made the news. It’s come to my attention that maybe she’s right about Revere’s famous ride.
After all, fans of Palin went on Wikipedia and changed the information posted there to reflect what Palin said, so it must be true.
Which got me to wondering. What if a lot of other historic facts are not absolutely correct and some poor politician is asked a question about history and gives the wrong answer.
In order to prevent this from happening, I’ve done my own research into some historic events and found new information on what really happened which may serve as a guide for any politician running for office. Lest he or she make a complete idiot out of themselves, other than showing huge bulges in their underwear.
So let’s look at some updated historical facts. Wikipedia, pay attention here.
Custer’s Last Stand: History books state that General Custer was wiped out by a bunch of Indians in the battle of Little Big Horn. That’s partially true. First of all, Custer was not standing when he was fighting off all those Indians. He was actually sitting, so it should be revised to reflect that. Perhaps, “Custer’s Last Sit.” And it can’t be, “The Battle of Little Big Horn” either. It’s either “little” or “big” horn. Ya can’t have it both ways. The “Horn” part comes from the fact that most of those Indians were “horny” as there were not a lot of female Indians back then…..except for the Cleveland Indians, in Cleveland, and the Atlanta Braves, (formerly the Boston Braves) none of whom were nowhere near Little or Big Horn, or any other horn for that matter. Wikipedia really needs to update these facts.
Plymouth Rock: Supposedly the Pilgrims, upon discovering the new land which we all live in now, landed on a huge rock, stood around gazing at the scenery, and then headed off to explore the countryside. The name given to that rock, “Plymouth” derived from an automobile which was being manufactured in Detroit at the time of the Pilgrims landing. One of the Pilgrims just happened to have a catalog showing the new models of Plymouths, and, a gust of wind whisked it out of his hands and it landed in the ocean. Fearing that he may forget the name of the car, he scribbled its name on that rock, hence, the name, “Plymouth Rock.” It’s a good thing the Pilgrims were not of German descent otherwise we could be visiting Volkswagen, Massachusetts.
Sir Walter Raleigh: Waaaaay back when it was fashionable for men to wear tights and fluffy clothes, and the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” was not in effect, Sir Walter was famous for being a, English aristocrat, writer, poet, soldier, courtier, spy, and explorer. Obviously he could not hold down a job.
The old story about Sir Walter laying down his velvet cloak in a muddy spot so that Queen Elizabeth I would not soil her shoes made him a legend in his own time do to his chivalrous act. However, most historians agree that Sir Walter may have indeed been a voyeur and figured he could sneak a peek under the Queens dress as he laid down his coat and ogled her.
Having done this many times, but not having any success with women, he invented Raleigh cigarettes for those moments when he became so worked up that he needed something to relax him. A custom most men follow to this day after having sex.
Some brief moments in history worth mentioning:
The Mexicans only wanted past due rent on the Alamo, which is why they were so pissed off and stormed the fortress in the first place.
Having no name for their new-found land, Eskimos began asking one another what they should call their land. Each asked the other and so on until one day one Eskimo said to the other.
“Hey Znork, did anybody ever think of a name for this place so that we can get our own damn zip code?”
“Gosh, I dunno Granook. I’ll aska my wife Sarah” (Granook was part Italian)
“WAIT!!! replied Znork. THAT’S IT!! “I’ll Ask-A”
“Great, but how we gonna spell that?”
“Um…..Illaska or um, Alaska….flip a whale tooth and if it lands tooth down we’ll call it “Illaska.”
(you know which way the tooth landed)
So ya see, there’s a lot of things about history that we don’t really know. You can’t depend on Wikipedia to tell you all of the facts. Things on that website change daily, as in the various updates on Paul Revere’s ride. Thank Gawd for those updates folks.
Otherwise I’d still think Columbus actually did discover America.
I did my own research and discovered that it wasn’t Columbus that discovered America, but that it was real honest to goodness Indians that discovered it. They were already here, traveling a great distance from Cleveland and Atlanta when Columbus arrived.
However, because none of them had any birth certificates to prove that they were born in America, Columbus got all the credit and the glory.
Otherwise we’d be celebrating “Geronimo” “Cochise” “Crazy Horse”or “Sitting Bull” day.
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV
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