OMG!!! Anger over Bristol Palin’s planned appearance at Washington University in Missouri has prompted the school to cancel her appearance at which time she was supposed to give a speech to students on abstinence.
Abstenence…..um……why students should not have …(gasp)….SEX!
This means that Bristol will not collect almost $20,000 in speaking fees, not be able to tell the students why they should not have sex, and why they shouldn’t make, $20,000, like her, by having sex while unmarried. On top of all that, she does not even get to go pass “go” and collect $200. Rats.
(typical Bristol Palin lecture)
“Good afternoon students, I’m Bristol Palin, and I’m here to tell all of you why you should not have sex until after you’re married.”
(student raises hand)
“Um, Bristol, you say that we should abstain from having sex until we’re married, but, um….you didn’t, and um, you’re making gazillions of dollars telling all of us why we shouldn’t have sex….is that correct?”
“Yes, that’s correct, you should abstain from having sex otherwise you could wind up like me with a 2-year-old child, unmarried, and on the road all of the time giving these lectures. I simply have no time to spend with my child and it’s just horrible.”
“But if we have sex before we’re married, wouldn’t we also be able to go on a speaking tour and make a gazillion dollars too?”
“No, no…..you don’t get it. Unless your mother or someone in your family is famous, and you can capitalize on their celebrity status, it’s not going to work for you.”
“So, you um, waited until your mother was famous, then jumped in the sack, seizing the opportunity to make a gazillion dollars?”
“Well, if you put it that way…yes. I mean, we did have sex before my mom became famous, but we used protection, just in case she didn’t become famous. I mean, I didn’t want to become pregnant and have to stay at home and raise a child for nothing ya know.”
“Oh yeah, I see your point. So once your mom became famous, you stopped using condoms?”
“DUH……yeah! You see, all of you need to pay attention to why you should abstain from sex. The bottom line you need to ask yourselves is, ‘do I want to become pregnant and not make a buck off of it.’ I mean, look at me, I’m beautiful, sexy, have a huge bank account and the money just keeps rollin’ in…..gawd….I even had to hire an accountant. And all this from a jump in the sack. How easy it that!”
“So you’re saying there’s money in sex, providing we do it the right way, like you did?”
“Right on the nail Einstein! You female students get out there and find an up and coming celebrity or politician, take a roll in the hay, and then pray they make it to the big time and you too can be making gazillions of dollars like me. You guys in the audience, this won’t really work for you, but, if you play your cards right, like my ex boyfriend, you could run for some office or something. Now, are there any more questions?”
“Yeah, when was the last time you abstained from having sex?”
“ABSTAINED FROM HAVING SEX!” Whaddya crazy….I don’t abstain from having sex. How the hell do ya think I got here in the first place making $20,000 a pop!”
Soon to be released by Entrepreneur Magazine: “How To Abstain From Having Sex and Make $20,000 Per Speaking Engagement”
Copyright 2011 MisfitWisdom RLV