Years, and years and years we’ve all been subjected to hearing those annual standard Christmas songs that tug at our heartstrings and bring back so many wonderful memories.
(tearing up)
However, there is one exception to all of those heart wrenching songs……..”The Twelve Days of Christmas” or, as some of you like to refer to it….that damn partridge in a pear tree song.
I, for one, have had it with that song. Drives me absolutely nuts. I mean, I already know the ending, 12 gifts in twelve days that ends with drummers drumming. It’s not like I’m going to be surprised by a bunch of new gifts in that song each year.
My favorite version of this is by ”Sascha Burland and The Skip Jack Choir” entitled, “The Chickens Are In The Chimes.”
(go to YouTube and key in the title of the song…you’ll be able to hear it and grasp the sentimentality of it all)
Anyhow, look at this stuff and imagine if FedEx or UPS were to deliver it to your door:
1. A partridge in a freakin’ pear tree. What the hell are you gonna do with some damn bird in a tree sitting in your living room every night while you’re trying to watch TV?
2. Two turtle doves. Ok, ok…enough already. What’s with the obsession with birds. I have five cats. Just how long do ya think a partridge and two turtle doves are going to last in my house?
3. Three french hens. SEE! More birds as far as I’m concerned. But, at least if the cats don’t get to the French hens I can at least substitute them in place of the Christmas turkey. YUM…French hens.
4. Four calling birds. Ya know, this is getting waaaay outta hand with the bird thing. Do you have any idea the cost of feeding these birds what with the price of birdseed these days?
5. Five golden rings. OK….this one I get. Gold prices are up so this might be the best gift of all. Besides, you could always keep one golden ring and pawn the other four to pay for the clean up the birds made all over your rug.
6. Six geese a laying. There’s no way I’m going to have ANY geese that are laying on my living room rug. “I” don’t even lay on it. Besides, um….what type of “laying” are they talkin’ about anyhow?
7. Seven swans a swimming. Now if FedEx or UPS came to my door with seven swans and told me that they needed a place to swim, I’d refuse to sign for them.
8. Eight maids a milking. WAIT!!! First we’ve got geese a laying now maids milking!!! This is gettin’ waaaay out of hand. How the hell am I going to explain to my other half that I don’t even know these maids and have never been to a local bar where I might have met them milking something or other.
9. Nine ladies dancing. Ooops, I’m screwed. I could have probably got away with explaining the eight maids a milking excuse but 9 ladies dancing…..maybeeee not. Gotta think about this one.
10. Ten lords a leaping. YEAH!! That’s it…those ten lord leaping guys are actually the companions of the 9 ladies dancing and….um…..hmmmmm, that leaves one lord without a lady. Which might tend to incriminate me. You know how women think…….”Oh sure…..9 ladies and ten lords….so who’s the last lady for bozo?”
11. Eleven pipers piping. This would be great if these pipers knew piping when it comes to plumbing because I have a few plumbing problems that perhaps 11 pipers could really fix. Like how to hose down my living room after the mess those birds made.
12. Twelve drummers drumming. This was the last and final gift and befitting for the occasion.
Which is me being led off to the loony bin with a bunch of maids, pipers, ladies, lords, doves, hens, calling birds, geese, swans, and those drummers drumming as the cops lead us into the loony bin wagon.
Copyright 2010 MisfitWisdom RLV
