Food Is Going To Be Censored.....Bring On The Bland Police

Ronald McDonald Arrested For Promoting Happy Meals In California

You know, sometimes I’d resign from the human race if I just knew where to hand in my resignation. 

Yesterday I wrote about Happy Meals and the fact that California wants to ban them because it promotes unhealthy food habits. I no sooner posted that blog when Kraft foods announced that it’s going to cut salt in their foods by 10% in over 1,000 of their products.  

Then, PepsiCo unveiled a global nutrition initiative to reduce sodium in their food products by an average of 25% along with a 10 year plan to decrease added sugar in beverages by 25% and saturated fat in foods by 15%. 

On top of all that wonderful tasty news, other companies, ConAgra, Sara Lee and Campbell Soup plan to reduce salt in key product categories. 

Excuse me for a brief moment. 

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ok, I’m fine….really.   

So like, I’m sitting here this morning with 12 Happy Meals, because I want my damn toys before they’re outlawed, I’m eating the french fries with lots of salt on them, and have a jelly stick from Dunkin Donuts for dessert that really tastes like crap because they eliminated the trans fats. 

Eating isn’t going to be fun anymore.  It’s bad enough that those companies want to tell us what’s good for us, but now they’re literally going to shove what’s good for us down our throats whether we like it or not. I’ve had it!  I’m going to start rebelling.  I’m forming my own activist party. 

Let’s see.  What can I call it?  Hmmmm. 

I Got it!  The “LOFFAYB PARTY”  Which stands for, “Leave Our F*****G Food Alone You Bastards”  Sounds threatening enough to work don’t ya think?  

We can all start by bringing our own salt to those places that are going to eliminate salt in their products.  Buy tons of black market trans fats and secretly inject them into Dunkin Donuts jelly sticks and Taco Bell’s Mexican Pizzas.  Find an underground source for buying sodium and stick it to PepsiCo.  When you eat Campbell Soup, pour in that salt by the spoonful.  We’ll show them SOB’s who the hell they’re dealing with here. 

And Sara Lee.  What’s their famous slogan, “Nobody Doesn’t Like Sara Lee.”  Guess what Sara!   Change it to, “Everybody Doesn’t Like Sara Lee.”  We’ll see her butt in the unemployment line pretty damn fast. 

I can see where this healthy food thing is going folks.  Next thing you know it’ll be taking the multi colored charms out of Lucky Charms. The frost off of Frosted Flakes.  Icing off of Pop Tarts.  Cinnamon off of cinnamon buns.  The sticky stuff off of sticky buns.  I’m tellin’ ya, it’s getting way out of hand.  We have to act now! 

Please help me in joining my new organization, “LOFFAYB” by making it a point to run out today and buy all the salt, sodium and trans fats you can get your hands on before it’s too late. Start stashing those multi colored Lucky Charms.  Scrape the frosting off of those Frosted Flakes and save it for the day they ban all of that stuff.  We’ll show them they can’t tell us what the hell we can eat. 

If you’re not taking me serious here, just remember one thing.  It was only a few short years ago when we could all eat whatever the hell we wanted too and not feel guilty.  No one in a restaurant would sneer at you, or call you names because you were eating food with trans fats in them. You could actually pour salt on your food without a fight breaking out.  Two spoons of sugar in your coffee did not draw any attention to you.  Now look where it’s at.  It all has to be done while no ones looking.

(I personally go to the men’s room and pour in four spoons of sugar into my coffee so as not to be ridiculed)

Sure, those of you doubters, go ahead and laugh at me now.  But when the time comes, and you’re walking around healthy and thin but depressed from eating bland yucky non tasting foods, don’t expect me to feel sorry for you. You had your chance to stop it all. 

Nope, I’m going to be happy, fat, unhealthy and content while I woof down my Hostess Cupcakes, my stash of Lucky Charms, my salt covered french fries along with a ton of sweetener added to my Pepsi. 

If I’m gonna die, it’ll be with a big smile on my face…………..covered in chocolate.

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