"WHO THE HELL NEEDS COSMO'S ADVICE. I HAVE NO TROUBLE AT ALL GETTING HIT ON"
Ok guys, let’s take a look at what Cosmopolitan Magazine says are the seven ways for women to get hit on. I’m of course assuming that Cosmo wrote this article because apparently some women aren’t getting hit on. The word “dog” comes to mind but I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt.
First of all, I can’t seem to understand why a woman would not get hit on in the first place. Oops, back to the “dog” analogy. Sorry ladies, I’m not saying there are ugly women out there, that of course would be totally politically incorrect of me. Ok, Ok, there ARE ugly women out there just like there are ugly guys out there too. Gimmie a break here, I’m just trying to write a damn blog on what Cosmo said. Geesh!
Let’s, for the sake of argument, say that you’re not ugly. Ok….does that satisfy you all? Let’s just say that some of you women have had some difficulty getting hit on. Well here’s what Cosmo says to do about it.
GET NAKED!!! Um,…….no….that’s not what they said exactly but I thought if I were going to pick out a woman to hit on, that would be my first choice upon observing the selections if I were sitting in a bar scouring the available prospects. I think that after a few drinks even the ugly factor would not be a problem if you were naked.
Alright, Cosmo’s seven suggestions.
1. You should wear solid colors because it conveys more power and trustworthiness. Do not wear black because it makes you look like a no-nonsense boss.
Ok guys, you got that? Colors show the sexy side of a woman along with trustworthiness and power. This comes in handy when you want to engage her in an arm wrestling match because you can trust her to lose in order to make you feel good. But deep inside she knows she has the power to turn the tide and beat your ass. Women in black however will forgo the compassion bit and kick your ass anyway just for general principles.
2. An adjustment of your clothing, like straightening out a wrinkled skirt and a bit of lint brushing your outfit. It apparently shows us guys that you want to look good for us which is supposed to boost our egos.
Geez, and all this time I thought our male chauvinist egos were being boosted by just scoring. Now I know that it was really because we weren’t lint picking through all of those wrinkled outfits….or is that nit picking….um…no I think that’s something else.
3. Stiletto shoes!!!! Yeah! Cosmo says that women should dangle a stiletto shoe because it shows that you have a playful mind set and you’re not planning to go anywhere. (not unless you put that stiletto back on otherwise you’re going to fall flat on your face sweetie) They go on to say that if your legs are crossed, make sure your top leg is the one farthest away from the guy you’re into. Otherwise, he’ll get the impression that you’re closed off.
Now I always thought that this was a safety factor. Not wearing stiletto shoes, but keeping your leg farthest away from us. This would be due to the proximity of a man’s groin area and the stiletto shoe. I don’t think we’d get the idea that a woman was “closed off” when our real concern would be protecting the boys below. One slip of the shoe and “whammo” we’re in a fetal position calling out to God.
4. Cosmo says that you should show off your shoulders for maximum man magnetism. Bare shoulders plant one thought in a dude’s brain. Boobs. (now THEY said that, not me)
Although they may have a legitimate point here. Bare shoulders lead to imagining bare boobs. It’s how the male brain operates, girls. It’s wired in from birth. Now if you go straight for the kill, meaning that you’re short on time, extremely horny and you’re afraid that your makeup might ferment before you can score the guy, cleavage always will do the trick for us. Depending, of course, if you have any cleavage. If you’re one of those who do not have cleavage, try using a magic marker and a couple of rolled up socks which might produce the same effect. Then just keep buying him drinks till he’s so wasted he won’t know the damn difference when it comes time to boe de oh doe. You can always let him keep the socks later as a token of your appreciation for a wonderful evening.
5. According to Cosmo, they asked bartenders for some tips. The bartenders said that you should lean on the bar with one arm so you don’t look rigid or uncomfortable. Try not to be stiff. (guys, if you’re turned on by cleavage, you might also try not to be stiff while she’s leaning over the bar) Furthermore, the bartenders said women should not stand around with their hands on their hips because it may make them look unapproachable.
Hmmm, that would never phase me. I think what would make a woman look unapproachable to me would be a 6 foot 200 pound guy with arms like hamhocks glaring at me if I were staring at her cleavage from a nose length and drooling all over her dress as she leaned over the bar.
6. You should always lower your chin slightly so that you’re looking up at people. This is supposed to be extremely flirtatious and alluring. At the same time, don’t cross your ankles in front of you because it’s supposed to indicate that you’d rather be somewhere else.
That chin thing is great if you’re over 6 feet tall. But if you’re short guy like myself, how the hell can a woman lower her chin and at the same time look up at me? I don’t get it. Oh, wait a minute. I do get it. I’d be hitting on a woman shorter than me because most of the tall women would be looking for hits from the big tall guys. Yeah. That’s it. So what you shorter guys should do is hit on shorter women or dwarfs.
(am I going to be in trouble here because I used the word dwarf? Hmmm, ok, height challenged individuals)
As far as the crossing ankles deal goes, I would never think that a woman would rather be somewhere else because she simply crossed her ankles. On the contrary…..I would think that she had to pee really bad.
(I base this assumption on the fact that on any given day my other half has a pee ratio of about 78% with the ankle crossing aspect coming into play prior to her leaving the room while waiting for a television commercial to come on)
7. Cosmo’s final tip is for shy people. Their tip. Stand in the middle of a group of people….you’ll talk more and appear popular, which will raise the status in any guy’s eyes.
Hmmmmm……….if I’m going to try and hit on a woman do I want to go for the one in the middle of a crowd of people? I can see this now.
“Oh Hi Reverend Flosky, and good evening Mayor Grodnik and Mrs. Grodnik and a special hello to you Ms Faversham, God I haven’t seen you since you taught me History back in the 7th grade, my you look great. And Lola, how are you this evening, ya wanna get laid?”
I’ve always said first impressions are the best when you’re trying to save time and get right to the point…….. or the bedroom.
So that’s it for today boys and girls in our MisfitWisdom continuing effort to enlighten all of you on how to survive in today’s society.
You’ll all have to excuse me now, it’s getting kinda late and I have to prepare for my night out now that I have the inside scoop knowing that women will use Cosmo’s advise.
Now how do I get women to hit on me so that they don’t have to worry about me hitting on them by trying to remember all of that Cosmo advise?
Let’s see………..oh yeah………..a Corvette loaner car, six inch stiletto men’s shoes, (I’m only 5’4″) one sock rolled up and stuffed into my pants, (maybe two) wavy toupee, and………um……………oh yeah…………..a breast pocket stuffed with $100 dollar bills. Works for me.
