The key to writing humor is to look beyond whatever it is you’re writing about from an entirely different perspective. Kinda like looking at what came first, the chicken or the egg. You can have two very different opinions on this. If the chicken came first, where did he come from. If the egg came first, who the hell laid it. My perspective on this is that aliens deposited the chicken on earth during one of their many visits. See! Mystery solved.
With that in mind, I’ll attempt to take a look at the news over the weekend from a different perspective. Nothing earth shattering however. No one said the word “retard,” Scott Brown kept his clothes on, critics of Obama still are attempting to locate his birth certificate in an attempt to discover if he was actually born or placed here by aliens along with the chicken, Sarah Palin is still trying to find the word “betcha” in the dictionary, (don’t bother, I already checked and the only betcha in there is “Betcha By Golly Wow” a song by the Stylistics, and so far writing this blog I haven’t had to use the word F**K once. Umm, does that one count? Damn it.
Now some highlights as to what makes this a ho hum news day because so far, (pause) nobody has screwed up to make national headlines. YET!
Snowboarder Scotty Lago is going home from the Olympics because some pictures surfaced of him showing off his medal. The offending photographs showed a woman bending down below Scott’s waist to kiss his medal. Geez, if that’s all it takes I’m going to get a longer chain for my St. Christopher medal.
In Britain, the world’s largest rabbit weighed in at 42 pounds. He is 4 feet long and his name is Ralph. Birth records have been uncovered that show he is the nephew of “Harvey” the invisible rabbit in the Jimmy Stewart movie years ago. Ralph, however, is visible to everyone, so his chances of breaking into the movie industry with a sequel to “Harvey” are very slim. As one TV news commentator put it, “Think of the size of the Cadbury Egg that he could produce.” Yeah, well think of the size of the poop he could produce too.
Speaking of rabbits, here’s a little known fact for you to use the next time you’re in a bar and need a conversation starter. Hunters in Australia imported 24 rabbits in 1859. Since then they have multiplied to 10 billion. Um, if you actually use that in a bar pickup line do not expect anyone to bend down and kiss your medal.
Olympic Skeleton racer Jeff Pain (I have no idea what the hell a Skeleton racer is, but it might be a case for Bones and Booth to look into) has been in the news due to his intimidating helmet. Apparently it sports a picture of a beaver with big buck teeth. I’m not kidding here folks. You can’t make this stuff up…trust me. It’s a wonder that olympic officials haven’t asked him to leave considering how jumpy they’ve been over Lindsay Vonn’s picture in Sports Illustrated and Shaun White’s coach’s comments. Anyone knows you just can’t go around wearing a beaver with big teeth on your head. Not only is it discrimination against beavers, (I’m assuming beavers would be upset because it might imply that all beavers have buck teeth when in fact, some have had corrective surgery) but it may also imply a faint reference to the slang word for a female body part. Oh come on for Gawd’s sake, you all know at some point in your life you’ve used that term……Geez.
Now the flap about Humpty Dumpty. Yep, back to the egg thing again. When Lewis Carroll wrote the famous nursery rhyme he did not mention the word “egg.” I’m assuming, once again, that people just also ”assumed” that Humpty must have been an egg if he indeed did fall off of a wall and all the king’s men and all the king’s horsies couldn’t put him back together again. Seems logical to me. Well people are now questioning that fact. WHY? Because they’ve got nothing better to do thats why. Next……the English will look into the possibility that Humpty Dumpty, egg or no egg, was apparently murdered by a giant rabbit. Motive? The rabbit was pissed off that chickens get all the credit for laying Easter eggs and he just delivers them. Humpty Dumpty seemed like a good protest target at the time and some radical group may have put a contract out on him over the egg delivery thing.
Then there’s the apology of Tiger Woods. Men think is was a good apology and he should get on with his marriage and life. A majority of women think Tiger is a ratfink, womanizer, slime ball, golfer and will never change his evil ways. Oh,…wait….he IS a golfer. sorry. I personally think everyone should just get over it and let his personal life be exactly just that, his PERSONAL life. Okay, so he hit balls into different kinds of holes. (ya hafta think about that one) Have we all not hit balls into different holes at some time in our lives? (married men do NOT answer that question)
Women, have you not at some time in your life played with various balls? Um….. I’m (snicker) talking about golf here folks. So who are we to question Tiger about his personal life? He is repentant and says that he will change his evil ways. I say cut him some slack. If he screws up again, then we’ll cut his ba…….um………never mind. (It was too painful of a thought to even finish writing)
Finally a note about Lisa Rinna apologizing to Heidi Montag for the remarks that she said about her. Rinna said that she has two girls and would not want Heidi to come into her house and have the kids say, “Oh look!” (not exactly word for word quote) She was referring to the fact that Heidi had, (gasp) breast implants, a brow lift, Botox, a nose job revision, fat injections in her cheeks, a chin reduction and neck liposuction. “Dr. Frankenstein look………she’s ALIVE I tell you…..She’s ALIVE!!!!!
Heidi wasn’t bummed out about the comments. She did say to a reporter after her SECOND breast augmentation, “I didn’t get them as big as I originally wanted.” I’m not sure if she was talking about her lips or her breasts. Wait a minute here……………………………………………………
(going to the bathroom where my reading material is stored to check out a recent issue of Playboy Magazine with Heidi’s picture)
Noooooooo, it wasn’t her lips folks.
Well, that’s it for today. One can only hope in the upcoming days ahead that someone, somewhere will step forward and do or say something stupid so that I can once again look at it from my own demented perspective.
God Bless America, Sarah Palin, Heidi and Lisa, Humpty Dumpty, Shaun White’s coach, Scotty Lago, Tiger Woods, Skeleton Racer Jeff Pain the rabbit and the beaver. Without all of their contributions I would be totally at a loss for words and be very bored.
And that hasn’t happened since I attempted to explain to my other half how the lipstick marks got on my undershorts. Damn it, I should have used the medal excuse.